Homoeopropophoron

Homoeopropophoron: Alliteration taken to an extreme where nearly every word in a sentence begins with the same consonant. Sometimes, simply a synonym for alliteration or paroemion [a stylistic vice].

The gilded grapes glistened glamorously. They were a part of the decoration I was making for my wine vine decoration. Drunken Hell Week was about to begin, and I wanted the coveted “Number One Float Prize.” Our small town of “New Delirium” was the number one producer of cheap fortified flavored wines in the USA.

Dating back to the Dutch “Apple Brain Flipper” first produced in the then-named village of Schneerhoppen, it caught on immediately. When the Dutch were pushed out, Scheerhoppen became New Delirium, named after the hamlet of “Delirium” on the outskirts of London.

After the success of Apple Brain Flipper, the residents of New Delirium turned solely to cheap fortified flavored wines for their livelihoods. Using Concord grapes as the base and adding grain alcohol and flavors to the base, they provided drunks and everyday people with a beverage that “took them somewhere else.”

Their skid row was nearly 1 mile long, almost reaching New York City. It was replete with drunks, panhandlers, trappers, mimes, grifters of all kinds, barbershop quartets, and fortune tellers, all whom predicted opulent, successful futures for all of their clients. This made them extremely popular. Most of the futures had to do with cows or corn, the two most prevalent means of earning a living—herding or farming.

After “Apple Brain Flipper,” the most popular wine was “Peach Lay-U-Out.” It was nearly 100% alcohol and had a wonderful peachy aroma and flavor. Many a young man became an alcoholic after only drinking half a bottle on a Saturday night at “The Holy Wreck Tavern” located at the very start of skid row. Their motto was: “Drink, Drank, Drunk, Deteriorate, Degenerate, and Drive.” Half the hamlet had a pile of unpaid DUIs tucked in their sock drawers.

The third most popular wine was “Elderberry Knuckle.” It was called “Knuckle” because drinking it was like getting punched in the face. It was 100% alcohol, with a drop of mescaline. Drinkers just sat and started and said “wow” after drinking five shots. It was rumored that Washington Irving was high on three shots when he wrote “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.” This probably isn’t true, but it induced many unsuccessful writers to give it a “shot” before giving up and starting a barbershop quartet or fortune telling set-up.

Once completed, my float was sure to win the grand prize. In addition to the golden grape-laden vines, the float had passengers depicting wealth and fame while guzzling fortified wine directly from their bottles. My favorite was the banker dressed in a black topcoat with tails, gray striped trousers, shiny brogues and a white vest with a fake gold watch chain strung across it. He was really the epitome of success—displaying inebriation as a fast- track to the top. He was barely 18 years old, drunk, and wealthy.

I loved everything about New Delirium. I was half-drunk most of the time. The rest of the time I was passed out somewhere along skid row: an exemplary citizen. I had a small business—a liquor store: “Bindle Bob’s Bliss Beverages.” My boozes made many men maximally merry, muddled, and miscalculating, much to their misfortune, but I didn’t care. I was following in my anscestors’ footsteps—providing a cheap of escape to willing, adult customers.