Inopinatum (in-o-pi-na’-tum): The expression of one’s inability to believe or conceive of something; a type of faux wondering. As such, this kind of paradox is much like aporia and functions much like a rhetorical question or erotema. [A paradox is] a statement that is self-contradictory on the surface, yet seems to evoke a truth nonetheless [can include oxymoron].
I can’t believe you ate that rabbit’s foot. Why the hell did you eat it? I could see a chicken’s foot, but not a rabbit’s. Yech!
Vick responded, “I am the archetypal suitor of married women. I need to be fleet of foot—like a rabbit—to escape the cuckolds I create with my debauchery. When eating rabbit’s feet, I see myself as Bugs Bunny: a fast bunny who always escapes retribution for his deeds, much to the chagrin of Elmer Fudd.
As I assimilate the feet into my body’s gross adventures, I can move like a drag racer from “A”to “Z,” from bedroom to SUV in 20 seconds. I have outrun 100s of furious husbands in my quarter-mile dash to my car.”
I was fascinated with Vick’s story. I aspired to be a pianist. Following Vick’s lead, I resolved to eat piano players’ fingers—fingers that promise to make me grow into a key key player in the musical world.
I couldn’t do this alone, so I recruited Ms. Addington, my lover, my best friend and my teacher/tutor. l was on my third and final run at math. I had stayed back three times in the eighth grade due to failing math. Ms, Addington was assigned to me by the School Board. Ms.Addington was beautiful.
We were alone in the math lab, and one thing led to another. I told her she was a hot number, that she added up, and that nothing could divide us. In short, she was my number one, almost tied with my mother. Plus, she was she was a gourmet chef.
When I told her my plan and why I was doing it, she told me she wanted in. She told me eating pianists fingers would increase her speed on the white board. I told her I had made up a recipe for our first finger meal. I’ve printed its step by recipe below:
- Several hands from victim.
- Amputate fingers.
- Remove fingernails.
- Wash fingers.
- Roll each amputated finger in flour.
- Smother in canned mushrooms
- Heat oven to 208 degrees
- Bake for 45 minutes
- Serve with favorite vegetables and red wine.
- Eat with corn holders.
If all went well I should be a virtuoso pianist in one month.
The night came. Our victim was Suzy Bolinger, a total dork-nerd who had won every piano playing contest in the state of New York. I hated her. Harvesting her fingers and eating them would be the highlight of my life—my staircase to heaven—my way to prowess.
We dressed in black. I loaded my battery powered circular saw in my gym bag, along with zip ties, duct tape, and a hammer that I would beat Suzy over the head with. Ms. Addington had determined Suzy would be home alone—it was her parents night out at their book club. I rang the doorbell—it played “Flight of Bumblebee.” As soon as Suzy opened the door, lights went on and sirens filled air. A guy with a bullhorn yelled “Walk toward me with your hands in the air.”
We were busted!
Ms. Addington had informed the police of our plan. It’s true, you can’t trust anybody over thirty.
The Daily Trope 