Apostrophe (a-pos’-tro-phe): Turning one’s speech from one audience to another. Most often, apostrophe occurs when one addresses oneself to an abstraction, to an inanimate object, or to the absent.

There is a beginning and an end. Ends are beginnings and beginnings are ends. When one door closes, it is shut. What is the sound of one hand knitting? If a tree falls in the forrest with nobody there, who will help the squirrels? If a man tells you he is lying, may he be telling the truth? Who left the cake out in the rain?

Oh God, what’s wrong with me? Is anything actually wrong with me? You’ve got to help me stop asking the same questions over and over. Whenever I feel an upward inflection welling up in my voice I can’t stop it. Out comes a question—big questions, little questions, medium-sized questions. Why do questions have sizes? Oh no! See what I mean God? I did it again. Why? Oh damn (sorry God) I did it again. Why am I sorry? Yaaaaaa!

It started in Philosophy grad school. Questions are rewarded. Answers are punished. I became known as the Grand Inquisitor. I spoke with a Spanish Accent. My classmates hated me. I dropped out and got a PhD in Psychology. I counseled people by asking them endless questions.

Please God, can you give me some answers? Or, better yet: ask me a question. Can you do that? How about just a little question? Like, what I had for lunch? Or, what color is my shirt? Or, when will they let me out of here?

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

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