Dilemma (di-lem’-ma): Offering to an opponent a choice between two (equally unfavorable) alternatives.

“Either, or.” I think some Danish philosopher used this as the title of one of his books. In the end, life may boil down to ‘either or’—you can’t get anywhere with ‘maybe.’ At some point, if your life is to have any meaning at all, you’ve got to decide, either or.

You got caught stealing inventory—mainly faucets and garbage disposals. 10 of each to be exact. I’m the one who is tasked with deciding what to do with you. I thought about having a hitter shoot you in the head in the parking lot, but I can’t be implicated in a capital crime. I ‘m sure you understand.

So, I’m going to let you decide. I have two proposals: 1. You scrub the warehouse floor on your knees and barefooted three times a day, every day, for the rest of your natural life; 2. You stick one of the stolen faucets up your ass every Tuesday, have it poke out the back of your pants and yell “I’m a sink” every 30 minutes until we close.

Remember, when you took this job, I promised you lifetime employment. That means you can’t quit. Your disloyalty has brought you to this juncture. If you disappear, we’ll hunt you down. If you rat us out, your life may become considerably shorter.

So, what’ll it be, scrubbing floors, or walking around with a faucet sticking out of your ass? One or the other. Choose.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

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