Diaporesis: Deliberating with oneself as though in doubt over some matter; asking oneself (or rhetorically asking one’s hearers) what is the best or appropriate way to approach something [=aporia].
I wondered if I should go to the mall and hang out in the food court with the other seniors. Staying home has its advantages—my own toilet, my own TV, and my own cat, Cisco. My wife’s home during the day, so I’m not lonely. She spends her time knitting sweaters that she donates to the Salvation Army.
She works at night, though. Social Security isn’t enough to pay the bills. She works at “Rising Sun Bingo Hall” as an “elder-tute.” That’s a senior prostitute. She’s 68 and can still pull in the occasional 50 year old. A lot of older men play bingo and hang out at Rising Sun. My wife wears 70s-style clothes and hangs out by the exit. As potential clients go by she says “ELO?” and they stop to reminisce. She says: “I’ve got blue rockets dude.” They are the new ultra fast-acting erection makers. If it’s a go, they head for our Volvo station wagon out in the parking lot.
She charges $25 for her services and usually brings home $75 for the night. When she gets home around 10 o’clock, she takes a shower, brushes her teeth, and climbs into bed with me. It works well, but I’m afraid she’s going to have an affair.
There’s this one guy she talks about all the time. His name is Jackson Black. She’s fascinated with his perfectly circular bald spot and long fingernails. I’d try and track down my suspicions, but I’m too old. My knees are shot and I have memory problems. So, I recruited my niece Bella to do some investigating. She had lost all of her boyfriends due to her cheating, so I figured she was well-qualified to spot a cheater. I told her I would pay her $50 if she found my wife cheating with Jackson. I told her to hide behind a car near the Volvo and watch for a guy with a circular bald spot and long fingernails getting in the Volvo with my wife. She was to keep track of how long they spent in the Volvo. Fifteen minutes would signal an affair.
Bella reported that they got into the Volvo and immediately drove away. I was hurt and angry too. I went with Bella the next night. We followed them when they drove away. They went to Home Depot. They came out with three bags of water-softener salt. The bags are very heavy, and due to her age, my wife couldn’t lift them any more, and neither could I, but Jackson could. He loaded them in the back of the Volvo. My fears were unfounded. Jackson was a nice guy! I was ashamed of myself. I paid Bella the $50 anyway.
The next day I called my nephew Teddy to unload the car. I paid him $5 and all was well. I wondered if Jackson got a freebie from my wife for helping her out. Also, I wondered where they went the first time Bella saw them drive away. I remembered there were 3 bags of garden soil that had mysteriously appeared in the back yard the next day. Mystery solved! Jackson had come through again! I told my wife I needed a bag of Quikrete to patch the cracks in the sidewalk. It was “delivered” two days later.
Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu.
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