Charientismus (kar-i-en-tia’-mus): Mollifying harsh words by answering them with a smooth and appeasing mock.
“You hair looks like a pile of bubblegum, freshly chewed and shiny.” She had dyed her hair pink and slathered it with hair gel. She said “Thanks, you’re so observant. You should be a scientist.” I couldn’t tell if she was being sarcastic. She has a sense of humor the size of Yankee Stadium, so I knew it was likely that she was poking back at me. In addition to the bubblegum hair, she was wearing a sweatshirt with the right sleeve missing with “Instant Karma” printed on the front. She said “Watch!” and tore off the sweatshirt. There was a T-shirt underneath. She tore that off. I wasn’t ready for what I was looking at. She had had her nipples pierced. She had a paper napkin over each breast and an olive held with a toothpick mounted oh each nipple. Then, she tore off her pants. She was wearing a jockstrap with a big red heart on it. Also, her shoes were chrome-plated miniature locomotives.
I asked her: “What the hell happened to you? You were never normal, but this is beyond never normal,” She farted loudly and looked me in the eye and said “I’ve joined the ‘Barking Weasels,’ a cult conveniently located in an abandoned apartment building near you.”
I ran as fast as I could back to my condo. I called the reference section of the library to see what information I could get on the “Barking Weasels.” I came up with zero information, but the librarian did know of a professor at the local college who studied cults. Her name was Dr. Phuc Mhe. She was from Thailand. I made an appointment to meet with her. When we met, she held out her had and said “Phuc Mhe.” I almost said “Ok,” but I shook her hand instead. I told her my story and she said, “Well, eat me raw through a flavor straw! I’ve never heard of this cult before—they could be silent but deadly. Don’t stress your mess. We need to think outside the bun. Where’s the beef?”
I quickly decided that Phuc Mhe was insane. Spewing slogans wouldn’t help one bit. How did she keep her job? I figured it was best to keep an eye on her. I ready to leave condo life behind. So, I moved in with her for the duration of our search. We got to know each other quite well. We drank a lot of “Thai Mekong Whiskey,” a very civilized Thai beverage. We would wake up naked on the floor together. Then, it happened.
It was my 206th search on Google for Barking Weasels. It said there’s no such entity—that it is used as a cover for breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. The “weasler” pretends to have lost their fashion sense and some elements of affection and decorum. This is exactly what Barbie did to me. I was sad, but now I was in love with Phuc Mhe. Her mental problem with “sloganosis” is a little irritating, but, I love her. I mentioned marriage and she said “A Diamond is forever.” I said to her, “You’ve come long way baby.” She said, “I love this place.”
Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu.
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