Prozeugma (pro-zoog’-ma): A series of clauses in which the verb employed in the first is elided (and thus implied) in the others.
I went to the mall. The bar, the Bronze Goblet. Then the motel, Mr. Mattress. I met a woman—Norah—at the Goblet. She was beautiful. She was smart. We talked about the relative actual value of car batteries based on the material their positive and negative poles are made of. She presented a compelling case for lead. Then, we talked about the epistemic significance of sock patterns—what they can teach us about the wearer’s ontological grounding and ethical sensibilities.
After three or four whiskey sours, we went to Mr. Mattress—it was across the street from the Bronze Goblet. We both got naked and jumped into bed. We snuggled up. She was soft and warm and smelled like lavender. I felt like this was the high point of my life so far. Maybe Norah was the one!
I rolled over on my side to embrace her and she jumped out of bed. She stood at the end of the bed and said, “Before we embark on this sexual activity, we need to know about its history and practice to pave the way toward the success of our screwing.” When she said “screwing” she squeezed her breasts and laughed.
She began at the beginning with Adam and Eve. She said the serpent that tempted Eve was Adam’s penis. Eating the apple was a metaphor for Adam giving head to Eve. I was shocked. But, I stuck it out because when she was done, I’d get laid. I’d crawl through broken glass if I had to.
Then, there was Heloise and Abelard. Heloise was Abelard’s student. He knocked her up and she went away to have her baby. Abelard was a philosopher so he used this episode in his life to find the truth. While he was compiling his notes in his room the monk J.D. Leviticus broke in and cut off Abelard’s penis. Abelard decided that, since he was now dickless, he should become a monk. Heloise opened a book store in Bruge specializing in infant care, healthy relationships and befriending monks. She raised the baby Pontious, and married a man named Joseph who wore a coat of many colors and played the accordion in a traveling folk band. He was arrogant and made a lot of enemies, but Heloise loved him.
Then, Norah warned me to wear a condom or I’d end up like Abelard. I agreed that it was a good idea for birth control, and also, thwarting STDs. She looked a little angry at my mention of STDs, but we marched on.
We had come to Sonny and Cher. She started droning on about the rhetorical significance of the lyrics of their songs. She was talking about “I got you babe” and how they saw each other as things canned goods that are stocked on the shelves at the grocery store—maybe like cans of tuna or boxes of macaroni. As interchangeable objects that satisfy a hunger.
That’s when I fell asleep. It was 3:00 a,m. and I couldn’t stay awake any longer. When I woke up the next morning she was gone. She left a condom on her pillow and a note that said: “Maybe next time.” Also, there was a box of store-brand macaroni under the pillow.
I heard she was the most controversial professor in the history of Carl Perkins University where, I found out, she teaches acting and held the Andy Griffith Chair.
I didn’t know what to do so I crashed one of her classes and held up a box of Macaroni. She blushed and asked me to meet her at the Bronze Goblet that night. I put the box of macaroni, a can of tuna, and a condom in my backpack I anticipation of ending up at Mr. Mattress. As I walked up to the Bronze Goblet, Norah jumped out from behind a shrub and yelled “I’ll never be yours!” and hurled a can of baked beans at me, hitting me in the head and knocking me out.
When I regained consciousness, I was propped up with pillows in Norah’s bed. There was a bowl of steaming baked beans on a tray on my lap. She said “Eat your beans baby. We’ve got a big night ahead of us!” I said “I’ve got a headache.” She laughed and said “I’m supposed to say that, ha, h, ha! Eat your beans!”
Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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