Aphaeresis (aph-aer’-e-sis): The omission of a syllable or letter at the beginning of a word. A kind of metaplasm.
That was ‘otter than ‘ell. I need a drink ‘a water before my lips fall off. When you said it was the world’s hottest pepper, I didn’t think it was that hot. Just lookin’ at ‘em makes me feel fire in my face. I asked her who she was, which I shoulda’ done ‘efore I chomped it. She told me she was this year’s “Texas Hot Pepper Queen.” I didn’t know there was any such thing, and I lived in Texas. She told me she won the title for singing “Deep in the Heart of Texas” while balancing a Habanero pepper on her nose like a seal, and having both hands soaking in jalapeño salsa.
As Hot Pepper Queen she is the state’s hot pepper ambassador. I thought that was pretty cool. She gets to travel around the US by private jet introducing Americans to Texas’ hot peppers. In one of the most bizarre twists of fate in my entire life, she asked me to travel with her. She told me her Texas Pepper Queen name was Hotsy, but her real name was Benelle. I was smitten.
We took off the next day for Portland, Maine, a place the Texas pepper industry had tried to break into for years and years, to no avail. They fancied themselves as “Yankees” and wouldn’t eat “no damn foreign food.” On that note, the only restaurants were places that served cod and lobster seasoned salt and pepper, and ketchup in a pinch. Fast food burger joints dominated along with hot dog stands and fried clam huts.
We decided to give it up, but not before we went to a fish house called “Capan’ Jack’s Harbor Fish Fry.” Hotsy snuck around back and threw a handful of jalapeños into the clam chowder. About a half-hour passed, and things got really crazy. People who had ordered the chowder were screaming for water, and rolling around on the floor.
We had done something dreadful to all those screaming people. Hotsy pulled a bottle out of her purse and walked around Capan’ Jack’s sprinkling it on people’s heads. It worked instantly to relieve them of their “hot pepperoisis” a malady that people are susceptible to who were born and raised in states bordering Canada. Hotsy’s remedy was manufactured in Brownsville, TX specifically for people who had emigrated to Texas to help them manage their hot pepperosis symptoms.
Hotsy and I were headed for New Orleans the next day. The state that has a hot sauce named after it should be receptive to Texas hot peppers. We wouldn’t need any ‘elp gettin’ those peppers down their hot sauce soaked throats. Hotsy and I set up a little stand on Bourbon Street. It had a sign that sad “Free Texas Hot Peppers.” We were mobbed and our peppers were gone in 10 minutes.
Our next stop is Rhode Island. We were told the Governor drives a sports car modeled after a Poblano pepper. We’re going to be given the key to Providence and be guests of honor at Chowder Fest, where Hotsy will drop a handful of Habaneros into the communal caldron. This is a ritual dating back hundreds of years. It originated with Portuguese whalers who settled Providence in 1606. Chowder Fest is held in late winter and it is intended to drive away winter with the heat of the peppers. We were honored.
That night, Hotsy did her award-winning act for me. I proposed to her on the spot. She said “Yes.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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