Catacosmesis (kat-a-kos-mees’-is): Ordering words from greatest to least in dignity, or in correct order of time.
Gold, silver, lead. My life is a giant ingot of lead— dull gray, heavy to lift, and heart-attack bound.
Ir’s all about Little Debbie.
I stuff my face night and, day and night, with her sumptuous goodies. Raspberry nougat blueberry swirl fingers is my own true love. I lick my fingers and go back for more.
Coconut pecan fudgies are mana from heaven. I eat two per day.
Bubblegum-flavored ccucakes topped with licorice twists turn me into a feral version of myself. I snoffle loudly as I stuff two or three in my face at a tme. Mmmmm,
Marshmallow Saskatoon-berry tarts are the end of the rainbow. I flip them like coins into my mouth and consume a minimum of ten per sitting. Yummm.
Then, there’s chocolate peppermint garlic pepperoni pies. They are bite-sized and they shine in the sunlight bathing my kitchen counter. I put them in the microwave for 30 seconds and their luscious smell fills house. As I eat them I blow into a paper bag to reap the full measure of their Italiano ethos. I put vowels on the ends of words for at least an hour after I’ve eaten them. Itsa’ gooda’.
The most insane Little Debbie snack food is chocolate-dipped masago—a kind of salmon egg sushi. It proves the saying “Everything goes with chocolate.” I pour them in a cereal bowl, and sprinkle on a little salt, and a cup of whipping cream mice with maple syrup, and go to town. The little balls pop in my mouth mixing their fishy flavor with their Peruvian dart chocolate coating. Wow!
Some people say thar Little Debby is an extraterrestrial, landed in the Catskills in rhe 1930s I am a proponent of this theory. I believe she is still alive and continues to churn out her “cosmic” somewhere in the mountains. She has disguised herself as an adolescent to throw the scent off of her outer-space origins.
I don’t care where she comes from—she’ll alway be “Little Debbie” to me—the most creative purveyor of unhealthy snack foods, or for me, the main course on the way to cardiac arrest.
