Paregmenon

Paregmenon (pa-reg’-men-on): A general term for the repetition of a word or its cognates in a short sentence. Often, but not always, polyptoton.

“How may I help you, how may I? How may I be of assistance, how may I?”

I said this all day long. I worked as an “Influencer” at the information counter in the New Hampshire state line “Welcome Center.” “Ifluencer” wasn’t in my job description. I took bribes from motels and restaurants to steer visitors to their businesses. The business would ask “How did you hear about us?” If it was from the Welcome Center, they wired me $10.00. Also, I could eat, or stay at, any of the businesses who bribed me for free. It was a sweet deal, but trust played a key role. I would periodically have my brother Vince make the rounds of my clients to make sure they were asking the “How did you hear about us?” question. He would accost a patron/patrons going into a client restaurant or motel. He paid them $5.00 to report back on whether the question was asked. If it wasn’t, he’d go in and threaten the maître de or receptionist with “digital removal.” It worked every time. Everybody likes having all their fingers.

One of the weirdest parts of the job of “State Information Provider” was that some people would address me as if I were Siri. They asked crazy-assed questions like: “Do you know the way to San Jose,” a simple yes or no question. Or, I would get jokers: “Why do lobsters never share? Because they’re shellfish.” Or, “Is there an Old Hampshire?” Or, “What is chowdah?” Or, “Where is Metric? Canada?” Or poor bastards, “Is there a car wash nearby? Seagulls shit all over my car.”

I handed out free lobster-shaped lollipops, shots of New England clam chowdah, and handgun permit applications for New Hampshire non-residents (who would be given a free Glock or Beretta key ring along with the application forms). Once in a while, a traveller who “couldn’t hold it” would come in looking for the restroom with a big stain on the front of their dress, shorts, or pants. I would give them a pair of fresh paper unisex slacks for free and direct them to the restroom. They were often very grateful.

I made $900.00 off my “Influencer” scam last month. Vince “harvested” a ring finger in Pennsylvania and kept the ring—a real score for him, given the price of gold.