Polysyndeton

Polysyndeton (pol-y-syn’-de-ton): Employing many conjunctions between clauses, often slowing the tempo or rhythm. (Asyndeton is the opposite of polysyndeton: an absence of conjunctions.)

Your breath stinks, and your farts art like death knells, and you grunt all night long, and worst, you lick your balls in the living room while I’m trying to watch “Green Acres” on TV. You could be a contortionist in a porno carnival. But, you’re my brother, and I take care of you, and I’m sick of it. Either move out or change your habits. Go get a fu*in’ job!

The next morning, he farted his way out the door to look for work. Somehow, he got a job as a bookkeeper at the local Dairy Queen. He wasn’t unintelligent, he was just totally annoying.

Free ice cream came with the job, so we started eating breakfast, and lunch, and dinner there every day. My brother sprinkled some kind of dust on his ice cream and the combination cleared up his breath problem! He claimed that the secret herb he added to the ice cream brought out the bad-breath killing reaction. He went into negotiations with Dairy Queen. They closed a deal for $6,000,000.00. Now we were rich.

Meanwhile I had fallen in love with Carmen, one of the cone makers at the Dairy Queen. Every time I saw her pull the lever and make the ribbon of ice cream twist it’s way out, I thought maybe someday we could be two twists melting together on a king size waffle cone.

Unbeknownst to me, my brother paid Carmen $50,000.00 to propose to me. She took the money and proposed to me the next day. I accepted. We were going to be married on Friday. It was Monday—we had some planning to do.

Our wedding cake would be a chocolate ice cream cake, and it would be 12 feet tall, and it would be covered with red, white, and turquoise jimmie’s, and it would be topped with statues of the bride and groom, and they would be dipped in chocolate and wearing waffle cones on their heads.

Choco-Frosted Blizzards will be served as beverages (unlimited refills), and healthy Banana Splits will be served as the celebratory dinner, and Buster Bars will be served for dessert. Revelers can wave their Buster Bars around like tambourines while they dance—“one arm waving free.”

My future wife told me what she had done. We got married any, but revenge was written all over my heart. Then, two years later, after a lot of procrastination, I killed her.

I drowned her in a Chocolate-Frosted Blizzard. I dumped the Blizzard in a bowl and stuck her face in it. In court, I claimed it was an accident—that Carmen used Choco-Frosted Blizzards for her facial treatments, and unfortunately she drowned when a box of canned milk fell on her, and pushed her face down into the Blizzards.

She liked being handcuffed to her chair when she did her facials, and couldn’t push the box off, and I had stepped outside for a smoke. I had fastened the handcuffs like I had done countless times before. I deeply regret stepping outside for a smoke. There were no witnesses, so I was exonerated.

Now, I work for my brother making “Come Here!” Chocolate-flavored breath cleanser. I print the bottle labels.

I probably should’ve killed him instead of Carmen.