Restrictio

Restrictio (re-strik’-ti-o): Making an exception to a previously made statement. Restricting or limiting what has already been said.

“I’m going to kill you. Well, that’s not quite true. I intend to seriously injure you. It won’t be fatal, but you’re going to be going to the ICU at Don Knots Memorial Hospital—they’ll do a great job on your lacerations, broken bones, and what’s left of your tongue after I cut it out. I want you to get out of that fetal position right now. Roll over on your back and get ready to be seriously injured.”

I was a hit man—I didn’t shoot them, actually, I literally “hit” them with fists and blunt objects—sledge hammers, barbells, baseball bats, crowbars, etc. Actually, I did some kicking too. Nothing sends a rib to hell like a good hard series of well-placed kicks.

My next hit was at the public library one town over. This guy who worked at the local shoe factory lacing shoes wanted his library fines forgiven. $16.55 didn’t seem like much to contract a hit over. I didn’t argue with him, but I thought he was crazy. I went home, put on my steel-toed boots, grabbed my Yogi Berra Louisville Slugger (I had actually hit a home run with it back in the day), my trusty balaclava, and a couple of zip ties.

I got to the library just as it was closing. I slipped in the door and hid under a table. The librarian looked like a sweet elderly woman.

I was beginning to question what I was about to do. It just didn’t seem right assaulting a granny. Then the phone rang. She said “Look, you loser bastard—you can shove your library fines up your ass. What the fu*k do you think I am, your fu*kin’ fairy godmother?”

I was shocked. After what she said, I decided to give her a light beating—maybe just a couple whacks with the baseball bat and couple of harmless, but well-placed, kicks.

I jumped out from under the table with my baseball bat raised. “Give me $16.50 or I’m going to beat the shit out of you!” She sad “Fu*k you weasel.” And threw a copy of “Infinite Jest” at me—one of the heaviest books currently in print. The book hit me in the temple and knocked me out. I awoke to the sound of sirens. The librarian was standing over me holding my baseball bat. She had used my zip ties to secure my hands behind my back. That was it. I was going to jail. I heard the police banging on the doors.

Then, she gave me a hard whack on the head.

I’ve been in a sort of coma for 22 days. I can hear what people say to me, but I can’t speak. I can only nod my head. The librarian came to visit me. She told me I got what I deserved and she hopes I’ll spend 20 years in prison. She told me library fines cannot be ignored, or especially, forgiven: they must be pad.

Library fines teach morality and personal responsibility, two pillars of Western Civilization.

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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