Epitheton (e-pith’-e-ton): Attributing to a person or thing a quality or description-sometimes by the simple addition of a descriptive adjective; sometimes through a descriptive or metaphorical apposition. (Note: If the description is given in place of the name, instead of in addition to it, it becomes antonomasia or periphrasis.)

Your face is long. It’s so long you can touch your belly button with your nose. It’s so long you don’t have to bow your head to eat your soup. It’s so long it looks like a flat-top football. It’s so long, if you nod your head enthusiastically you could bruise your septum. Ha! Ha! Ha!

You know this is BS.

You’re clearly down in the dumps—hence the “long face.” You need to do something about your lingering broken heart. Silky did a number on you—faithful, and by your side, until you maxed your credit card. It must’ve been painful when she stood up, grabbed her purse, and stalked out of Meaters when the waiter came back to your table and gave you the bad news about your card. She hasn’t called, emailed, or texted since.

She’s still streaming though, at Buzz-Cakes, where you met her and started your affair at $75.00 a pop plus tip.

You know, you should focus on rebuilding your credit rating, instead of further destroying your life pining over Silky. She’s nothing more than a kind of high tech hooker—she probably has six or seven other men on the hook. There’s no love here. Right now, you’re a total loser. Snap out of it. Try to forget her.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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