Cacozelia (ka-ko-zeel’-i-a): 1. A stylistic affectation of diction, such as throwing in foreign words to appear learned. 2. Bad taste in words or selection of metaphor, either to make the facts appear worse or to disgust the auditors.
I didn’t have a chance. My pomme de terre had fallen on the floor. It hit the floor muzukashī! I was on the verge of tears as I dropped my dishrag to cover it. “Verletzt” is not strong enough a word to describe its current state, although German usually captures effectively the effect of volence, like the German word “mord.”
I was next. Chef Parfaitti was making his way toward me. He looked at my stoemp on the preparation table and then looked at my dishrag on the floor with my patata’s bump beneath it. “What is that my little carrot top?”he asked like he was on the verge of kräkningar! He was fingering the butcher knife in his belt. Last week he cut off Tiffani Chuckwort’s ear. It was a mess. But, we were going to chef school where that sort of discipline is encouraged, Belarus.
We were going to a foreign chef school because no American school would admit us. We were like medical students forced to study abroad because of their lack of promise as doctors. Even my father’s billions couldn’t get me in an American culinary college. It was beaucoup decepcionante!
Now, I was about to be maimed for dropping a potato on the floor and trying to hide it.
“Pick it up you microwaved meal brain, you ‘Ready Mix’ muffin!” He yelled so everybody looked. When I bent over to pick it up, he squeezed my ass and started laughing like it was the funniest ever, anywhere.
This was too much, even for me. I turned on my cordless meat slicer and went after him. He was obese, so he couldn’t get anywhere very fast. My friend Dino tripped him and he fell flat on his face. I yelled “wooden mixing spoons!” Everybody grabbed their spoons and jumped on him and started beating him until he was dead. His face looked like rhubarb compote. I sliced off his ear and everybody cheered when I handed it to Tiffani.
The police showed up and bagged him up and dragged him out the door. Nobody said anything. Nobody asked any questions. Nobody did anything. Nobody cared.
The next day we had a new Head Chef. His name was Lucas Pinelli. He was wearing a Kevlar vest and had two Tasers holstered on his belt. Seemed mild-mannered and kind. “Time get back to learning,” he said. He pulled a pastry bag out of his pocket and squeezed a blob of pink frosting into his mouth. He looked down and said softly, “I’m an addict.”
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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