Onedismus (on-e-dis’-mus): Reproaching someone for being impious or ungrateful.
I rode his staff. I gave him a bath. I dried him off. I dressed him. I tied his shoes. I combed his hair. I shaved him. I splashed on his aftershave. I made him breakfast. I drove him to work at Fungu’s Corporate Law. He could’ve done it all himself, but he expected me to.
After I drove him to work, I went home and cleaned the house, and then, went grocery shopping for his favorite foods: Porterhouse Steak, Cod, lamb chops, potatoes, smoked oysters, hot dogs, salmon, and Chips Ahoy.
The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. Our marriage was a one way street headed in his direction. He was a selfish, ungrateful bastard. In four years of marriage there had been no thank-you for all I do. I decided then and there to have an affair with a man who cared and wanted to treat me right. So, I signed up for a dating site called “Ding Dong Dell.”
I logged in. I couldn’t believe it. There was my husband holding his sizable rod. The picture was captioned “Let’s do the Pokey Pokey.” It had his demographic information plus his status. It was Platinum ++++, a far cry from my experience which was more like Lead+. It said he liked sailing and there was a photo of a sailboat I didn’t know we had.
Now, I was more determined than ever to strike up a meaningless relationship with a good-looking humping machine. I would show that bastard husband! I found my humper after a whole day of searching. His name was Buck Fever, obviously a fake name, but I didn’t care. he had a perfect body, long black hair, blue eyes, and a promising bulge.
Our first date was at “Roadside Rendezvous” where all the local cheaters went to do the mattress tango. I wore a mask so nobody would recognize me. It was a perfect likeness of Taylor Swift. Buck texted me when he was checked in and I headed for our room: Room 9. I knocked on the door. It was unlocked, so I went in. He was lying on the bed naked. He was wearing a sock puppet on his hefty hard-on. He said “Come and play with Mr. Clowns” in a high-pitched puppet voice. I sat down by him and started pulling the puppet off. In the same high-pitched voice he said “Oooh!” Then, in the same high-pitched voice he sad “I’m so glad we could meet here today.” That’s when I found out he had a vocal cord injury as a child which made him into a permanent falsetto.
He and he mother were shopping at a Christmas door-buster at Kohl’s. The PA system announced there were blenders for sale in Appliances for 90% off. His mom took off running, knocked him down and rode over his throat with her loaded shopping cart. She kept on going and left him sitting on the floor, crying, with a crushed larynx. A security guard found hm and took him to customer service where his mother found hm two hours later.
He told me he was sorry as I ran out the door. I sat there in my car trying to decide what to do next. I drove home and logged onto Ding Dong Dell. I spent the rest of the day looking for something promising. But, after Sock Puppet Man, I had lost interest in the whole cheating thing. Instead, I decided to confront my husband. Maybe he would take me for a sailboat ride.
Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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