Tag Archives: elocutio

Assumptio (as-sump’-ti’o): The introduction of a point to be considered, especially an extraneous argument. 

See proslepsis (When paralipsis [stating and drawing attention to something in the very act of pretending to pass it over] is taken to its extreme. The speaker provides full details.).

I was headed to Pennsylvania to see where our nation was born in Philadelphia. I had become convinced from the podcast “Nothing is True” that the so-called “founding fathers” were a hoax. That they were a self-appointed gang of miscreants who “faked” democracy and installed George Washington as the secret king, whose real “Hello Address” promised not be a despot and to do his best to trick people into believing he was President. The king-term would parallel the President-term of four years.

This brings up an important point: the throne. There is no throne per se to be found anywhere where he reigned. But “Nothing is True” has answered that question, with an answer so simple, a child could make it up. The throne was disguised so cleverly that it took a real long time to find out where it is. The throne, my friends, sat in Independence Hall. It was the Medieval folding chair sitting unobtrusively, and kept folded, by the men’s room door.

The chair belonged to William the Conquerer. He used it when he was lonely and needed a place to sit outside the throne room, so he could hang out informally with his pals and drink some ale. It was stolen by his errant nephew, Prince Dorian the Dissolute. He brought the chair to London where it resided in Dissolute’s hereditary estate for hundreds of years. It was removed to the American Colonies by Tricky Trent, an antique dealer who purchased it at an auction from the Dissolute estate when the estate drifted into penury and needed to raise cash to pay the lenders lined up at their front porch gates. The chair was purchased at a jumble sale in Scranton, PA by Ben Franklin’s father Bill Franklin. Bill gave it to Ben for his birthday. Ben would relax in the chair before he went to bed wearing his mogul’s breeches and reading by candlelight. His favorite book was Dante’s Inferno. His favorite level of hell was the eighth—the place for swindlers—liars and fraudsters. It inspired his famous saying “Remember that credit is money.”

When the secret cabal met in Independence Hall’s basement to plan the secret monarchy, Ben Franklin brought his folding chair. He did not want to sit on a wooden crate that had been used to carry chickens to market. That’s when it was decided to make Ben’s folding chair into King Washington’s secret throne.

Nobody knows what secret undertakings the King of America pursues. They are deeply held secrets that will never be revealed. After Independence Hall, for as long as it has existed, the White House has housed the secret throne. Recently though, the throne has been removed from the basement and relocated to the Oval Office. According to “Nothing is True” we will witness, incrementally, the King making himself known and destroying the myth of democracy that has kept the people docile and sheep-like for 248 years. “Nothing is True” reports that the current King is an idiot with no common sense. His most revered activity is showing off his power without a well-considered reason—its just about showing off.

Thankfully, the King only serves for four years. The cabal is concerned he will proclaim his Kingship for life and, make it self-evident that democracy has been a sham all these years. Some say he must be stopped. “Nothing is True” has offered nine-million dollars for his pinkie (right or left). Although they have issued a disclaimer stating that the offer is for “literary reasons only” and will not be honored under any circumstances. This makes me suspect the veracity of their entire story. Is it true that nothing is true? I am at a loss to answer that question.

When I get to Philadelphia, I will be channeling Ben Franklin alongside Madame Cookie the famous medium who was regularly consulted by Nancy Reagan, Johnny Carson, Fidel Castro and many. Many more. She uses a walker now and nods off during readings, but she’s still as sharp as an axe. We will set up outside the men’s room in Independence Hall. We hope to conjure Ben Franklin’s spirit to ask him directly about the chair/throne. Before we even got set up we both smelled fish and a heard a hearty bass voice coming from the men’s room asking “Are you visitors or guests?”

We knew we were onto something! Ben’s spirit floated through the men’s room door. He sniffed the air and said “Ah, you just got here.” I said, “I have a question Ben. Does America have a secret king?” He laughed and adjusted his spectacles. He said, “No. the answer is unequivocally no. If there was such a cabal, do you think the current President would ever been elected? No, my friends, it is the result of the electorate’s deep disrepair—the loss of its vision of the true, the good, and the beautiful: the key commitments of citizens of a republic. If a majority values lies, injustice, and bullying, it all goes to hell. After all these years, democracy’s fatal flaw (the majority wins) has come to fruition. I’m sorry.”

After what he said, Ben’s spirit evaporated. Madame Cookie and I looked at each other, stunned. My drive back to Elk’s Hole, Wyoming was filled with alternating bouts of joy and despair. Somehow, the majority of the electorate’s ethos needs to change and bear a commitment to the true truth, the good, and the beautiful.

But, what do we target? How do we target it?

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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