Category Archives: deesis

Deesis (de’-e-sis): An adjuration (solemn oath) or calling to witness; or, the vehement expression of desire put in terms of “for someone’s sake” or “for God’s sake.”

“For God’s sake. Stop humming! You are driving me crazy. If you don’t stop humming, I ‘m going to tear out your tongue.!” He ignored her. His humming wasn’t even a song. It was random sounds with no tune. It was like listening to her stomach rumble in the morning before her daily bowel movement. It was grotesque. It was maddening. She flew over the edge.

It was the most horrendous crime ever committed in Parkerville. His tongue was floating in the toilet. His head was split open like a cantaloupe ready for breakfast. There was a recording of his random humming playing on her cellphone. When the police heard the recording and her story, they chalked up what she had done to self defense and let her go.

After she washed off the blood, she headed out to dinner at Marty’s Big Spoon. When she walked in, the other patrons saw that she was alone. “Hummer” wasn’t with her. They gave her a standing ovation for what she had done. With his incessant humming her boyfriend had been an irritant everywhere he went. It was humorous the way the other patrons raised their butter knives and made slashing figures in the air.

She wrote a book titled “He Really Bothered Me.” It told the lengthy story of how she became unable to “take it” any more. Killing your partner for becoming exceedingly irritating became the go-to remedy for bad relationships. Violins were doused in gasoline, ignited and stuffed down pants, Kiss CDs were smashed and used to slit throats, Hamsters were packed with explosives and detonated on top of partners’ heads. These are just a few examples of the homicidal coping strategies developed and enacted across the USA.

As the irritating perpetrators were being disposed of by their murders, a lovely tranquility settled into Parkerville and other towns a cities. For the cost of a burial and a couple of bullets you could rid your life of tension, stress, and frustration.

The wedding vow “Until death do us part” took on new meaning. It was more of a warning than a promise.

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Deesis (de’-e-sis): An adjuration (solemn oath) or calling to witness; or, the vehement expression of desire put in terms of “for someone’s sake” or “for God’s sake.”

She: I swear to God if you put it in there, I’m going to pull it out and put it where it belongs—I might even light in on fire along the way. Were you raised in a zoo with a bunch of free-range Baboons?

He: It’s a book. This is a bookcase. I’m putting the book into the bookcase. What the hell is the problem?

She: Is that a work of fiction?

He: No. it’s “Make Your Bed,” a self-help book I was was going to. . .

She: Shut up micro-brain. Shut up the fu*k up! See that label on the shelf where you put the book? What does it say?

He: Fiction?

She: That’s right Mr. Troll. Is “Make Your Bed” fiction?

He: No?

She: That’s right numb nuts. I swear, if you ever put a work of non-fiction on the fiction shelf again, I’ll have you killed. Well, maybe not killed, but seriously injured. Well, maybe not seriously injured, but hurt in some way.

The whole purpose of bookshelves is to keep books organized into categories so you can find them when you want them, so you can read them instead spending all your time looking for them. My mother was a librarian and instilled the ideals of librarianship in me at a young age. Look around you Bozo Boy, everything in this house has a place and everything’s in its place. If you’re going to be my man, take heed.

POSTSCRIPT

He went crazy and flipped over the living room sofa, threw crumpled-up paper towels all around the kitchen floor, and mixed up the silverware drawer—putting knives and forks together and mixing soup spoons with desert spoons. To top it off, he unmade her bed.

She: Damn you! Barbarian! Visigoth! Hobokenite!

He: I’m a slob. I’ve always been a slob. I’ll never stop being a slob. I hate you and all your fu*king rules. Find yourself a man of clay that you can mold, or a puppet whose strings you can pull. Goodbye bitch!

She: Fu*k you and your mother too.

POST-POSTSCRIPT

She was diagnosed with compulsive-obsessive disorder and institutionalized. She had tried, at gunpoint, to “organize” her neighbors to stand in a line.

He, on the other hand, became an international sensation with his blog “Mr. Slobbo’s Neighborhood.”

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Deesis (de’-e-sis): An adjuration (solemn oath) or calling to witness; or, the vehement expression of desire put in terms of “for someone’s sake” or “for God’s sake.”

Marla: “For God’s sake. Put down that knife!”

Wally: “I’m not done buttering my toast. Wait a minute!”

Marla: “You’re not buttering your toast, you’re buttering little Ralphie. For Ralphie’s sake, put down the knife and hand him to me,”

Wally: “Let me butter his head first and slick down that ugly cowlick. He takes after you in so many ways. Look at the drooling smile—it’s you all over!”

Maria: “My drooling smile is the result of an injury, not heredity. You may remember: you stepped on my face when we were camping. You got up in the middle of the night to pee and you stepped on my face with your big hiking boot when you tried to go out the back of of the tent and tripped. God! Put down the knife!”

Wally: “Relax! I’m going to put Ralphie in the oven—it’s freezing- ass cold in here. I’m setting it at 100 so he can warm up and we can heat some leftovers too..”

Marla: “Ok, you’ve gone around the bend Wally. Hand him over right now! I’ll put him in the garage while you calm down, have some coffee, and return to normal.”

Wally handed Ralphie over and Marla put him in the garage in the lawn spreader. It was like a cradle. Ralphie liked the lawn spreader. He spent 3-4 hours in it per week. He liked the smell of the weed killer residue and the spreader’s bright green color. If he could talk, he would say “Oh my God! This is great!”

Now that Ralphie was out of the way in the garage, it was time for Marla and Wally to play Sudoko. They would quietly sit on opposite sides of the kitchen table nodding their heads as they scored. Wally picked up the knife and licked it. That reminded Marla that Ralphie was out in the garage.

When she got inside the garage, Ralphie was gone. She looked out the garage door and saw Ralphie crawling across the street. A pickup truck veered around hm blowing its horn. She ran out in the street and grabbed him. She noticed he had white powdery weed killer on his nose. She couldn’t help laughing and was still laughing when she brought Ralphie inside the hose. Wally started laughing too. They took a picture to send to Ralphie’s grandma.

Wally and Marla were not model parents. Ralphie grew up to be a daredevil. He would jump a Queen size bed full of live lobsters with a Vespa motor scooter.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.