Category Archives: aphorismus

Aphorismus ( a-phor-is’-mus): Calling into question the proper use of a word.

Tim: Where’d you learn English? From graffiti on restroom walls? Just kidding, your word choice gets a little dicey sometimes. Like when you just said “My aperture is telling me it’s lunchtime.” Sure, maybe “aperture” is some kind of metaphor, but I think you mean to say “appetite.” “Aperture” refers to the lens of a camera. It controls the amount of light that enters the camera. Last night you referred to my “Venusian blinds” when they are actually Venetian blinds. And then, there’s your use of “reticent” instead of “hesitant” to say you’re “hesitant” to take the promotion you’ve been offered.

Jim: Why not just stick a knife in my back and be done with it? Look, being understood is more important than choosing the so-called “right” words. In all of your examples, you knew what I meant; you just had to work a little to get my waft.

Tim: You mean “drift,” not “waft.” Don’t you get embarrassed misspeaking all the time? Using the wrong words won’t get you far.

Jim: Look, it’s rare that anybody calls me out on my misuse of words. I already told you, it’s the context that matters more than the words. Most people are charitable enough to let it pass. They’re not nit-picky losers like you. You’re the one who should be embarrassed calling me out, your friend, even when we’re in public, talking with other people. I think you are some kind of control freak who has to show his irradiation in front of people. You want to feel superior. It’s a pain in the ass. Everybody understands me and you have to humiliate me in front of them for misspeaking. It makes me sad and angry too. And it makes me wonder why I’m friends with you.

Tim: You said “irradiation” when you meant “erudition,” but I did understand what you said. You should be glad my vocabulary’s expansive enough to sort out your misspeaking and make you look like less of an idiot.

Jim: Ok, Mr. Correcto! You want the “right” words? You want transparent meanings? Eat this! It’s unabridged! You fu*king Aardvark!

POSTSCRIPT

Jim hit Tim in the face with a hardcover unabridged edition of Webster’s dictionary. It broke Tim’s nose, knocked Tim out cold, and fractured Tim’s skull. When he saw what he had done, Jim ran to the bus stop to make his getaway. He was apprehended by the police. One of the policeman told Jim that he was “reticent” to arrest him after he heard what a cruel bastard Tim was.

Tim was determined to be a classic harasser who got what he deserved. Jim was not charged with a crime. Tim lay in his hospital bed clutching Jim’s dictionary to his chest like a Teddy Bear and saying “reticent utilization” over and over.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Aphorismus ( a-phor-is’-mus): Calling into question the proper use of a word.

Rick: He has a peach on his mind. Me: I think you mean “leech.”

Rick: oh you must be right, even though it never occurred to me. Your book “Right Word, Right Life” shows should’ve been in my hand. I wear it around my neck on a bootlace, but I’m reticent to use it all the time. Me: Uh oh. It’s “hesitant” not “reticent.” Shame on you for word abuse. I’m gong to have to fine you $50. I let “peach” slide. It is a common and quite harmless error. In fact, peach is the most misused word in the English language, right next to “addendum.” There’s an ATM right across the street. Get the money or you’re going to the Thesaurus for the night. You’ll be made to say the same thing in different ways until bedtime. You will be given a ten pound dictionary for a pillow and expired galley proofs for a blanket—boring classifieds from years ago.

Nobody knows why, but “Criers” are housed in Thesaurus too. Criers have an inherited malady that has been traced to the Stoic Marcus Aurelius. Criers cry for no reason. Sometimes they sniffle, but often they blow a bomb laced with machine gun-like sobs. That’s why they are jailed here in our little corner of dystopia. Marcus Aurelius developed Stoicism in an attempt to stem crying. It didn’t work, so he came up with idea that you can’t control how people see you, so screw it and them. This made him happy.

Roy Orbison is a noteworthy 20th century Cryer. He was “all right for a while” but then he had an uncontrollable crying fit, and had a hit record.

So now you have the whole picture. Get me the $50 now or I’m calling backup.

Rick: I’m reticent to . . .

Me: Stop! I’m calling backup. Be prepared to be kept awake by the Cryers! You fool. You foul-mouth turkey butt. You’re a rotten peach.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Aphorismus ( a-phor-is’-mus): Calling into question the proper use of a word.

I couldn’t take it any more. My boss had sad it again: “I am reticent to promote you. I don’t know how we would utilize you as an Assistant Vice President.” I don’t know what he’s going to do when I correct him on his use of “reticent.” He uses it instead of hesitant. and yes, there’s also using “utilize” instead of plain “use,” but I”ll let that pass for now.

I began by leaving a dictionary on his desk open to “reticent” circled in red. He called me into his office, held up the dictionary and asked “What the hell is this?” I have spellcheck on my computer, I don’t need this. Even though somebody marked it up, go ahead and donate it to the Salvation Army. Now, get out of my office!”

Clearly, Plan A didn’t work. Plan B probably wouldn’t work either. I copied the definition of reticent from the dictionary. I blew it up to poster size and printed it on the office’s double-wide printer. I taped one inside the elevator, on the wall over the men’s room urinal, and on the wall over the office coffee cart. This, I was sure, would get the boss’s attention without putting me at risk.

The boss called me into his office. I knocked and he called me in. He was holding one of my posters: “I’m sure you’re behind this, sneaking around like the coward you are.” I told him it was embarrassing to work for somebody who used “reticent” like he did. Sometimes it made me feel like I wanted to stick my head in my briefcase like an ostrich. Language is the pillar of civilization. Misusing it can lead to civilization’s downfall. Even if it’s a single word, it is a slippery slope, steeply headed toward anarchy and social chaos.

My boss looked at me like he wanted vomit. But instead, he picked up his stapler and threw it at me. It hit me on the head and I fell to the floor bleeding from a cut on my forehead. He was waving the poster over me like a blanket. I sat up a dug my attorney’s card out of my wallet and gave it to the boss as I stood up. He looked at it and said, “What about that promotion? Still interested?”

I told him “Yes,” but I was reticent to make decisions on such short notice. He rolled up my poster and hit me over the head with it and we both laughed.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.