Auxesis

Auxesis (ok-see’-sis): (1) Arranging words or clauses in a sequence of increasing force. In this sense, auxesis is comparable to climax and has sometimes been called incrementum. (2) A figure of speech in which something is referred to in terms disproportionately large (a kind of exaggeration or hyperbole). (3) Amplification in general.

His feet were as long as Long Island. Size 22–22” long! His shoes were custom made in England where a lot of people had oversized feet. For example, Oliver Cromwell wore a size 19 UK. His feet were to some extent responsible for the Roundheads winning the English Revolution. When he marched with his troops he stamped his jumbo feet. They made a loud thudding sound like a group of troops twice as big as they actually were, routing the Royalists and sending them running for the hills. Cromwell had six cousins and uncles marching with him who had large feet too—one of them, Nigel, had a size 22 UK. Before the Revolution he worked as a grape squisher in Northumberland. Together, the Cromwells were a formidable presence on the battlefield. Not only could they stomp, but they could kick. Natty Cromwell was known far and wide for lofting a Royalist 30 feet and breaking his neck, killing him. Prince Trembler’s entire Royalist company retreated at the sight of the booted trooper, giving Natty an unprecedented victory with his foot.

Now that Oliver’s head rested on a pike outside Parliament, his feet went missing.

They had been delivered to the Spanish Armada to be displayed from a ship’s mast in grieving for his death. Unfortunately, they were struck by lightning and broiled, shoes and all. This turn of events induced the Spanish to believe they were cursed and they sailed away, throwing the remains of Cromwell’s feet overboard where they were devoured by crabs.

The Royalists rejoiced when their spy, Del Fuego, reported the events and how the lackluster superstitious Spaniards had fled to their colonies in Florida where they have managed to build alligator-proof castles and marketplaces with ladders that can be climbed to evade attacking alligators. They were called “Alligator Escapes” and were later adapted for use in hovels and were eventually modeled into “Fire Escapes” that residents could climb down to escape fires, unfortunately to waiting Alligators. This problem has never been remedied where, in contemporary Florida, many Floridians are torn to pieces and eaten by Alligators at the bottom of their fire escapes. As long as there are Alligators in Florida, this problem will persist. Blame it on the Spaniards.

You may have guessed—I am a bearer of lengthy feet. They are 22” US. I have remedied my gun boat feet with Mexican Tribaleros—a very fashionable shoe with curled up toes that can be made as long as 50” as a fashion statement. I had a pair made that conceals my foot size and I’m good to go. The women love them. I dance the night away.

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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