Paramythia

Paramythia (pa-ra-mee’-thi-a): An expression of consolation and encouragement.

“Don’t worry Billy. Your leg will grow back on.” I didn’t know what else to say. I was six years old. Billy was was my best friend and he was lying in a hospital bed, a recent amputee. He said, “Gee Johnny that’s good of you to say. I can feel it growing all ready.. I’ll be out of here and back on the playground in no time. We can play hop scotch!” Neither of us knew any better—we were too young and too stupid.

Billy had lost his leg playing “Butcher Man” down by the river. He had stolen his father’s razor sharp meat cleaver from the kitchen drawer. His Uncle Ted, who he revered, was a butcher. He had watched his Uncle dismember a leg of lamb countless times. He wanted to try chopping one but his uncle wouldn’t let him because he was too young. So, he had a temper tantrum and ran home and got his father’s cleaver. If he couldn’t butcher a lamb, he could sure as hell butcher himself!

He went down by the river, took off his pants and leaned up against a tree. He lifted the cleaver and whacked his leg with all his might. It came right off. Luckily there were two hikers passing. They called 911 and used a belt for a tourniquet on Billy’s leg.

Billy was rushed to the hospital where a surgeon saved his life. The leg was never going to grow back, but nobody knew how the break it to Billy. They did not want devastate him. His parents decided the best way to do it would be a joke. Billy would laugh and he wouldn’t feel so bad. But the joke they made wasn’t that funny: “Billy, you’re always going to be stumped.” Billy didn’t laugh, even after they told him what a stump is. When they told him, he got out of bed and hopped around the hospital room. A nurse grabbed him and put him in a wheelchair.

Everybody was sad, but when Billy saw his new leg he almost jumped for joy. His leg was strapped on and he learned how to use it. He could walk, jump, hop, and sort of run. When we were teenagers he would smuggle weed and booze inside his leg—to school dances and other social events. When he got older, he had his leg lined with lead and topped up with cocaine on his numerous trips to Colombia. He made millions in the drug business. Then, he decided to give up selling drugs and live a life is leisure in his mansion and with his yacht and his 16 Rolls Royces.

His front was his rock band “The Peg Legs.” Nobody suspected him, but I ratted him out for $750 from the police department. I hated to do it, but for $750 I couldn’t resist. I was going to go to Miami for two nights and stay in a nice hotel. This was a dream I had had for years, but with my alimony payments and gambling debts, I couldn’t swing it. Now, I was going to Florida while Billy went to jail.

Billy got off on a technicality. I don’t think I’ll make it through next week. At least I have both my legs and I can run if I have to. Ha ha!

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.