Proverb: One of several terms describing short, pithy sayings. Others include adage, apothegm, gnome, maxim, paroemia, and sententia.
I needed to go somewhere in life. All my friends from high school were raging successes—they all invented things.. Ann Banks had invented a wearable vibrator. Busy women used it for convenience sake. Driving to work, sitting in a bar on a barstool, waiting in the checkout line at the super market, at the dentist, etc. You can imagine what a success it was. Then, there was Egbert Flange who had invented the inflatable walking stick. You could deflate it, roll it up, and stick it in your pocket. It had a Co2 cartridge integrated into its design. You pressed a small button the the top and it would re-inflate as you left a theatre or the movies, or other venues where it was better not to have a walking stick in the way. Giles Goatsbreath invented a self-heating Pop Tart, no oven or microwave needed. You just pounded on it with your fist and it would heat up in 3 seconds.
So far, I had not had a successful invention. Everything I came up with was too far-fetched to be made. Like, for example, the flying swimming pool. I couldn’t get it off the ground—literally. I used a helicopter concept, but the helicopter’s prop wash blew the water out of the pool. Then, I tried a blimp attached with cables to the pool. But, the pool was so heavy, I couldn’t find a blimp big enough to lift it. So, I had a giant hot air balloon made. The balloon’s flame severely burned two of the pool’s passengers, so I gave up on the flying swimming pool.
One day, I ran across the proverb “No pain, no gain.” I started hitting myself on the thumb with a hammer, hoping the pain would grant me some gain. The thumb hammering wasn’t working so I hired my podiatrist to pinch me up and down my legs once a week. I got no gain out of that pain either. I was desperate.
I found a woman named Madam Chains on the internet. Here motto was “No Pain, No Gain!” This had to work. Clearly, she was a professional. Her avatar was a rubber SCUBA suit with a belt sander coming out the neck. If I didn’t get some gain out of Madam Chains’ ministrations, I was doomed.
She told me to stand by the side of the road and step out in front of car that looked like it was weaving, being driven by a drunk. She taught me techniques for getting hit by car and being seriously, but not fatally injured. The “drunk” behind the wheel would be held liable and I would garner a huge insurance payout.
I endured a lot of pain, but got a HUGE amount of gain: $2,000,000. I gave Madam Chains 10%. I’ve given up on inventing things. I just travel around with my girlfriend Chrissie and my pet eagle named Flamingo.
Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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