Repotia (re-po’-ti-a): 1. The repetition of a phrase with slight differences in style, diction, tone, etc. 2. A discourse celebrating a wedding feast.
I don’t know why the bride and groom asked me—Hoo Doo Miller—to give this speech today. However, I do sort of remember being friends in high school. When we graduated, Thaddeus got drafted and had to leave Charlene behind when he went off to fight in the Vietnam War. When he came back home he had PTSD. We used to sneak up behind him and light off packs of firecrackers. He’d yell “You fu*kin’ gooks” and try to find a place to hide.
I avoided the draft with bone spurs, so I had no idea what he was going through. I just thought it was funny as hell. I still do. See this pack of “Black Cats”? Be ready during the reception Thad—you better find a bunker to hide under because I’m going to blow these babies off when you least expect it! So, fair warning! Ha! Ha!
So, I “took care” of Charlene when you were off fighting in the war. I promised you I would. But, I took care of her too well and she got pregnant about a month after you left. Charlene got an abortion and we went back to normal, living together and partying hard. When I lost my job at the jelly factory, Charlene came through for us. She stood outside Denny’s and would go on blind dates with men who pulled up and asked her out. She went on enough dates to earn the $325 we needed for rent. I got a job the next day selling cars and would be able to cover the rent with my salary.
Nevertheless, Charlene kept going on dates unit she got a rash “down there.” She went to the doctor and got some ointment. The rash cleared up and she never “dated” again.
When it came time for your tour of duty to end, Charlene moved back with her parents to wait for your return. She would stay over with me a couple of times a week—she always told me I made her feel like a rocket blasting off. I appreciated that. I always fancied myself as a lady’s man!
Then, there’s the tattoo, but I’m not going to talk about it in mixed company. Thad: you’ll just have to find it yourself—it’s on her body somewhere! “Seek and ye shall find.” I think it’ll be a fun thing to do on your wedding night!
Well, I’d like to propose a toast now, to the bride and the groom! Hold your glasses high!
May all your hills be downhill, your days filled with cloudless skies, and your showers steaming hot, Thaddeus, to wash away your anger and, Charlene, to wash away your shame. God bless the newlyweds.
Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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