Ecphonesis (ec-pho-nee’-sis): An emotional exclamation.
“ Ooh, ooh, ooh! Harder! Faster, faster! That’s it! Aaaaah.” I was scratching a mosquito bite on my girlfriend’s back. We had gone swimming in Mickey Numnutz Pond. It was named after Mickey Numnutz who had been rescued from what was then Still Water Pond 11 times before he finally drowned at the age of 49 when he went swimming with his shoes on at 3.00 a.m. Nbody was around to save him. There was a Golden Retriever who gave it a try, but he failed. He was named “Toto” and was a feral dog who had escaped from the local animal shelter when an incompetent worker left his cage open after feeding him. He was notorious for growling at children and chasing his tail. Toto was seen by some hikers running through the woods holding a severed human arm in his jaws. Numnutz was missing an arm. When Toto was chasing his tail, he dropped the arm. It was wearing a Lance Armstrong “Live Strong” bracelet identical to Numnutz’s. It was determined that Toto chewed it off after trying to rescue Numnutz and had worked up an appetite. A foster home was subsequently found for Toto and he learned to beg and roll over. This should’ve been a happy ending.
But it wasn’t.
There was an obnoxious Chihuahua named Macho Man who lived next store. When his owners let him out in the yard it was “Yap! Yap! Yap! Yap!” the whole time. He wouldn’t let Toto sniff his butt through the chain link fence, which is the ultimate dog insult. Macho Man would fart and run away yapping. Toto hated Macho Man and wanted to kill him.
Easter was coming. He and his owner Mrs. Calder were going shopping for candy at the most upscale candy store for a thousand miles around: “Sweet Tooth’s.” Along with all the other candy, it sold chocolate sculptures of purebred pets. Toto spotted a Chihuahua on the shelf. He sat in front of it and whined until Mrs. Calder noticed. Mrs. Calder thought it would be cute to get a chocolate likeness of Macho Man for Easter and she bought it.
When they got home Macho Man was yapping in the yard. From an experience as a puppy Toto knew that chocolates would kill Macho Man. He had been lucky to survive his own chocolate poisoning when his then-owner took him to the vet.
Toto pulled the chocolate Chihuahua out of its bag, took it into the back yard and dropped it over the fence. Macho Man jumped on it and started gobbling it up. Later that afternoon, his eyes bulged out and he started twitching. His owners didn’t know what to d. They put him out in the yard and Macho Man collapsed dead.
Toto furiously dug a hole under the fence and squeezed underneath and picked up the remains of the chocolate Chihuahua and squeezed back under the fence. He carried the pieces to the yard’s far back corner and buried them. Then, he ran back to the fence and filled in the hole he had dug and covered it over, concealing it with leaves.
Macho man’s owners called for him. There was a loud gasp, and then, crying. They carried the dead Chihuahua inside.
The perfect crime.
Two days later the neighbors bought another Chihuahua and named it Macho Man. Toto ran away: one murder was enough.
An investigation determined that Toto may have played a role in Macho Man’s death. Mrs. Calder told investigators the the chocolate Chihuahua was missing and the coroner had found traces of chocolate in Macho Man’s bloodstream. “America’s Most Wanted” did a feature on him titled “Murder: Doggy Style.” Now, Toto was a fugitive.
He joined a small pack of Coyotes and was last seen feeding on a deer carcas with the pack down by “Mickey Numnutz Pond.” If you encounter Toto he may seem harmless and playful when he chases his tail. Don’t be fooled.
He is a killer.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.
The Daily Trope 