Gnome

Gnome (nome or no’-mee): One of several terms describing short, pithy sayings. Others include adage, apothegm, maxim, paroemia, proverb, and sententia.

“Actions speak louder than fish.” Believe it or not, I have followed this wise saying all my life. I work in a fish market “Pisces’ Honk.” I don’t where the name of the fish market came from, but there’s a rumor that a delivery truck ran over a Salmon in the parking lot and it made a hoking sound. The fish market used to be named “Fish.” It was clear and to the point, and didn’t sound crazy. But Gills Blatter’s the boss—what he says goes.

One of our hallmarks is throwing fish at our customers. We got the idea from fish market in Seattle, Washington. You wrap the fish in a piece of paper and hurl it at the customer. Once, I threw a flounder at a woman in a wheelchair. Her arms were paralyzed and the flounder hit her in the face. I apologized and gave her a free flounder and asked her out on a date. It was a bold move, but she agreed. Her minder made a “disgust face.” She said, “Madam, do you remember the last time you went on a date? He was a sadist and tried to get you to sing ‘If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands’ and I had to beat him senseless with a mop handle.” Madam responded, “Yes dear, quite a mess. He was a cruel bastard. However, this man seems quite nice. Let’s invite him to dinner.”

If that flounder could’ve talked, he would’ve told Madam that I really wanted to go wild with Madam’s minder—who looked like a Viking princess. My deceptive actions spoke louder than the flounder which remained silent: “Actions speak louder than fish,” or in this case, flounder. Why didn’t I go directly for the minder? She worked for Madam and it would’ve been out of turn to go after the minder first. But this way, I could bore Madam, and act like dolt during dinner, but when Madam wasn’t looking, I’d get the minder’s attention with a wink, licking my lips and miming playing with my penis. I was all-in.

The minder blushed and picked up a salt cellar. She was about to throw it at me, when Madam asked if I wanted to spend the night. I was schocked, but I said yes, I had never made love to a woman with paralyzed arms before. We went upstairs and I was surprised when the minder followed us into Madam’s bedroom. Madam said: “We work as a team. She is my hands when I have sex. Climb on mister cute fishmonger.” I climbed on.

We’ve done this once a week for nearly one year. I am moving into Madam’s mansion—27 rooms, nine bedrooms, four servants, gourmet kitchen, seven bathrooms on 500 acres of woodland. The real deal! I had sort of followed my plan, but I got far more than I bargained for.

Tanto Midlop, the minder, has expressed her love for me. I love her too, but I love Madam also. Tanto and I have done it several times—she’s more than just a pair of hands to me.

Madam, Tanto, and John: A team. A trio. the “Three Musketeers.”“Three Coins in a Fountain,” a “Three Ring Circus,” “The Three Bears, and the “Three Stooges.” Ha ha!

In sum: “Actions speak louder than fish.” If I didn’t live by this saying, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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