Parrhesia

Parrhesia (par-rez’-i-a): Either to speak candidly or to ask forgiveness for so speaking. Sometimes considered a vice.

Somebody said “Honesty is the best policy.” If you’re going to follow this advice, there’s another policy you need to be aware of: a life insurance policy. In my business being honest is the quick way to a comfy coffin. There’s no place for honesty unless you’re making threats—“I’ll tear your throat out” is so honest it could be enshrined in the “Book of Truth.” It’s the epitome of honesty to threaten people and their pets. In my business everybody knows there’s no such thing as an empty threat. We’re not playing “just you wait until your father gets home,” the classic empty threat.

You guessed it. I’m a mobster. In addition to making threats: I steal. I cheat. I sell drugs. I shoot people. I kidnap. I blackmail. I con. you name it, If it’s bad, it’s dishonest, and if it’s dishonest I’ll do it for revenge and money. In fact, I spend half my time seeking revenge for myself and my associates. The aim of revenge is to inflict pain and mental anguish, and then, shoot the bastard in the head with your trusty Beretta.

Aside from finding the target, the big challenge is arranging the hit with minimal exposure to yourself. You see these stupid movies where hitters wearing balaclavas burst into a restaurant and shoot some guy in a suit eating veal saltimbocca. What a joke. What you want to do is use your Google AP to determine whether your victim has CCTV up and running. If he does, use your “CCTV Bye” AP to shut it off when you get to his home. Put on clothes you wear only to do hits. Put on your dark sunglasses. Check your weapon. Don’t forget the duct tape! When you arrive, park up the street and hack the CCTV to make sure he’s home alone. If he is, kill it and ring the doorbell. When he answers, stick the gun in his face and bully your way inside. Have him duct tape his feet together. Tell him to hold his hands together with wrists facing. Use your lightning-fast one-handed taping technique to tape them together, Then, using the same technique tape him to a chair. Now, it’s time to torture him—we’ll skip the details. When you feel like you’ve hurt him enough, shoot him in the head. Be prepared for almost constant begging, and crying, and swearing, and denial, and offers of huge amounts of money not to pull the trigger. Just ignore it and remind him why you’re there.

Revenge brings closure to my associates and tons of money to me. I have no conscience. I am a sociopath among sociopaths.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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