Aetiologia (ae-ti-o-log’-i-a): A figure of reasoning by which one attributes a cause for a statement or claim made, often as a simple relative clause of explanation.
Mr. Rammer: I’ll tell you why I said that! It’s true! That’s what it is: true, true, true! Why would I lie about stealing a box of Pop Tarts? Where is it? In my pocket? Stuffed in my pants? Look in my shopping cart! I went through check-out and paid for all that stuff with my credit card. How dare you follow me to the parking lot with your baseless accusation? I don’t even know what Pop Tarts are. I’ve never even seen a Pop Tart! Get out of my way.
Hannaford Security Guard: Sir, you are lying. I saw you stuff a box of Pop Tarts in your ecologically correct shopping bag. When you saw me following you out of Hannaford’s, you dropped it in the horticulture display over there. You can see the box sticking up from behind the blueberry bushes. If you pay for the Pop Tarts, all will be forgiven. Stolen Pop Tarts cost $20.00, paid in cash to me, or to Rose the geriatric check-out lady. Also, if you prefer, you can pay in scratch-off lotto tickets.
Mr. Rammer: What? Are you crazy? This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of! You big bastard. You want to know why I called you a big bastard? Because you are a big bastard, you big bastard!
Hannaford Security Guard: I tried to solve our problem—well actually—your problem. You’ve committed a crime. You have stolen food from the only nexus of sustenance for miles around. We will donate the stolen Pop Tarts to the food bank, which will help compensate for your crime. Don’t make any false moves. The police are on their way. You are going to jail for “tart-lifting.” Ha ha!
POSTSCRIPT
I was arrested, booked, put in jail, and let out on $400,000 bail. I said it was too much and the judge laughed and reduced it by $1.00. That was a bad sign. I was convicted of shoplifting with a weapon—I had my Swiss Army knife in my pocket. I was also convicted of evading capture by dumping the Pop Tarts. When I had mentioned the $20.00 bribery attempt, I was charged with contempt of court and fined $20.00. I was convicted and sentenced to five years of community service. I wash the jurors’ cars once a week, baby sit for the Prosecutor, trim vegetables at the Hannaford produce stand, and date the Mayor’s disgusting daughter. She is so ugly that dogs whine and put their tails between their legs when she walks by. I am working with a public defender to get my sentence commuted. He calls himself a “public offender.” He thinks I can get off if I go back and pay the $20.00 bribe. It would take us back to “square one” and all will be forgotten. I’ve decided marrying the Mayor’s daughter will fix everything. I asked her. She laughed with her chipmunk sound and told me if I brought her a Pop Tart, she would say yes. She knew that one of the terms of my “lenient” sentence, was that I was prohibited from handling Pop Tarts. 25 years would be added to my already ridiculous sentence. I thought about it and came up with a plan. I went n the dark web and ordered a “fake” Pop Tart. Technically, it would not be a Pop Tart, because fake! It cost $100 and arrived in two days.
I gave it to Rotteta. She said “Mmmm.” as she bit into it. “Yes, yes I’ll marry you” she said. The police burst in: “We’ll take that Pop Tart for analysis.” It was analyzed and found to be counterfeit. I was charged with dealing in counterfeit goods. Those charges were dropped when it was determined that the Pop Tart was a gift to Rotteta.
Once I married Rotteta, all of the charges were erased and my conviction was commuted. Rotteta does the grocery shopping and I run a used car lot in the parking lot of a defunct hair salon. I have kept the salon’s name “Big Rollers.” It suits a car lot, and sales are very good. With my special 2-day bumper to bumper warranty I rarely get stuck.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
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