Antenantiosis

Antenantiosis  (an’-ten-an’-ti-os’-is): See litotes. (Deliberate understatement, especially when expressing a thought by denying its opposite. The Ad Herennium author suggests litotes as a means of expressing modesty [downplaying one’s accompli

I am no genius. So what? You all know I am Jasper Magnesium and I finished the Rubic’s Cube faster than can be timed—there is no timepiece anywhere in the world up to the task—not even Switzerland’s famous “Jarlsberg Hydrogen Nano Blaster.” What’s a Rubic’s Cube in the grand scheme of life? Nothing, Less than nothing. If I had had an affair with Jimmy Carter’s wife, Rosalyn, that would be worthy of world wide acclaim. I gave her a stealthy goose at a White House cocktail party celebrating peanut butter’s 100th birthday. She reached behind her and gave me a squeeze and walked away. From this, I concluded the rumors were true. The First Lady liked to fool around. Although never proven, it is rumored that Henry Kissinger fathered Amy Carter during a wild romp at Gamp David.

But what have I REALLY done to actually earn the unreserved praise of my peers?

I have made a life-like animatron of myself. It attends boring events like this one, sits for interviews, cooks dinner, and manages my scams on the internet. In addition, he is a life coach, a race car driver and one of Google’s top three AI innovators. His most recent project was a facsimile Taj Mahal that could not be distinguished from the original. It was claimed that the Pakistanis were involved. But then the so-called “real” Taj Mahal went missing. Thank God they had aperfect facsimile or there would have been war. In sum, my animatron saved the world. That’s something to think about! And moreover, I am the animatron!

My name is Pedro Lasko and I am three years old. Jasper Magnesium has been missing for three years. He went to Cliff’s to buy ten scratch-off lotto tickets, a six pack of “Struggles” beer, and some cheap plastic-tipped menthol cigars. He never returned. He never made it to Cliff’s. Somebody said they saw him coming out of a bank with two pillowcases filled with $100 bills. That could be true. We found two empty pillowcases in his bedroom, a sure sign. We are fearful that Jasper Magnesium is dead.

“I think you hit the nail on the head Lasko.” It was a little man with dark hair wearing a dirty rumpled trench coat, “My name’s Columbus and I’m a homicide investigator with the metropolitan police.” All that Lasko could summon was a startled “Wah?” “We wondered why you never reported your boss missing. Today, we found out why. He’s hanging in the meat locker in the basement, as frozen as a pack of peas. I’m afraid I’m going to have to arrest you.” “Ha ha! Good luck” Lasko cackled as they led him out the door to a waiting police car.

POSTSCRIPT

Since Lasko was an animatron, he couldn’t stand trial. They had to let him go. Since he functioned autonomously, nobody could be blamed for what he had done. It was terrible. Columbus was devastated. There was “one more” question he wanted to ask. We’ll never know what it was. He was run over by a self-driven KIA.

Lasko has taken up a life of crime. He advertises his services on the dark web: “Robo Whacker will remove your woes.”

Legislation is pending to make animatron’s criminally liable.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

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