Asphalia (as-fay’-li-a): Offering oneself as a guarantee, usually for another.
I was on my way to Canada—the whole big mysterious Canada. Land of stereotypes and dreams. This was a vacation I had planned and saved for a whole year. I planed to see a Mountie in a red suit, Santa Claus in his home town banging out Christmas gifts, lines of pancake flour, wild women, spawning fish and Grizzly bears.
I had managed to save $500 for my vacation, so I had to be careful with my spending. Gasoline came in imperial gallons—bigger than American gallons. That was enough right there. I didn’t have an imperial gas gauge. What was going to happen when I put an mperial gallon in my Ford’s American tank. I was afraid it would overflow and break some Canadian global warming law. But, this is a trip of a lifetime. So, I stopped for gas. I told the clerk I had an American gas tank. and I wasn’t sure if it would fit imperial gallons—that they would run all over the ground. She laughed and said “Don’t worry aboot that. Imperial gallons will fit any tank. They adjust to the prevailing size and rule the tank.” I thanked her for explaining and pointed out to her that she said “aboot.” “What does a boot have to do with anything?” If Canadians say a boot when they mean something else, they need to change their tune and speak English the way our ancestors did and use words like yonder and utilize. She told me to pump my gas and leave, and hopefully have an accident and die! Can you believe it? This episode just about ruined my trip, but I could tell she was different from most Canadians. What a boot that? Ha ha!
My next stop is Niagara Falls. I’m spending the night in the Moose Bellow Motel before I get there. It is moose themed. A moose bellow goes off every hour from 7:00am to 10pm. I think it is kind of romantic and regret not taking Mindy with me on the trip. She teaches voice at Pine Stick Community College. I am sure she could call back to the moose, even though it’s a recording. The bed is a Queen size moose with a moose antler headboard. The nightstand is a baby moose with a piece of glass on its back. The lamp is made of a leg with a pull chain off-on switch. Of course, the carpet is a moose skin with 3 bullet holes in it.
Around 3am I started sneezing, my eyes were watering and I had a bloody nose. I was allergic to moose—most likely the carpet. I went to the front desk and demanded my money back. The desk clerk told me “I’m sorry. I can’t do anything a boot that.” A boot! He was taunting me! I picked up the cash register and threw it to the floor. I jumped in my car and headed for Niagara Falls. Soon I was being chased by two men in red on horseback. The horses were wearing helmets with flashing red and blue lights. One of the men was holding a bull horn making a siren sound. I pulled over. they asked for my license and registration. One of the men said “We’re worried a boot you after what you did at the motel. We are going to deport you to the States. Here is some complimentary maple syrup to help you drown your disappointment.”
Suddenly, the girl from the gas station pulled up. She asked the Mounties to let me go, and she would keep an eye on me. My faith in Canada was restored, until the Mounties said no and followed me to Niagara border crossing.
I couldn’t believe it. Maybe being deported from Canada would earn me kudos somewhere. What a boot that?
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
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