Pareuresis (par-yur-ee’-sis): To put forward a convincing excuse. [Shifting the blame.]
It started when I was a kid. I blamed my little brother for every bad thing I did. I was an excuse mill, and he was my grist. The best part was, no matter what it was, I could convince him that he did it. For example, one day I was playing “Track Star” in the living room. It was x-country. I jumped over furniture and swung from the fireplace mantle. My second time around the living room, when I went to grab the mantle, I knocked Grandma’s urn off the mantle and her ashes spilled onto the floor. I immediately turned to my brother, who was watching. I said, “What a mess! Why did you do this? Do you hate Grandma you little creep.” My little brother said: “I hate grandma, that’s why I did it. I should have done it sooner, right, big brother?” Of course, I said “Right! I won’t tell unless I have to.” I told on him and he had to eat his dinner in the basement for one week. He didn’t crack, and was proud of that. He just liked me too much, and I exploited it to cover my ass.
As I’ve gone through life, I’ve sought out people like my brother and use their loyalty as a shield for my misdeeds. I had a small gang specializing in stealing tires from parked cars. I had replaced three of the five, who took the hit for me out of loyalty. In one instance, there was CCTV of me helping one of my gang members remove a tire. When the case went to court, he testified that I was a “Good Samaritan” who offered to help him out. He got 1 year in prison. I walked. After the tire stealing business was exposed, I started a new scam. I was selling stolen shoes at the weekly flea market. The shoes were stolen from fitness centers where they were frequently left on the floor instead of being put in a locker. Our men and women would sweep through the locker rooms, and stuff pairs of shoes into their giant gym bags. Depending on the condition, I paid my crew by the pair. It was interesting how many people wore Blundstones.
One day we were raided after somebody had seen their shoes for sale. I knew this would happen sooner or later. As the crew was being arrested, Sandy pointed at me and said: “Don’t arrest him. He was here looking for his own stolen shoes.” The rest of the crew nodded their heads. The police took my name, address, and phone number and let me go. My crew got 1 year for selling stolen goods.
It all came tumbling down when I reconnected with my little brother. We met at Dad’s funeral & we became “Purse Cutters.” I would engage a woman in conversation and my brother would sneak up behind her and cut her purse’s shoulder strap, grab the purse and run away. I would feign shock and run after the “thief.” We were nailing a half-dozen purses per day. But that couldn’t last forever. One day, I saw the shock of recognition on the women’s face when I was doing my pre-robbery chat. We had robbed her before. She spun around, and slammed by brother in the head with her purse, knocking him unconscious. “Lead bars,” she said smiling at me as she dialed 911 on her phone. I winked at her and took off running after the bad guy, and was grabbed by policemen who had been alerted. We went to court. My brother testified that he had taken the blame for me all his life, but not this time. He testified that I was his accomplice and was equally guilty. But, I had hit the jackpot!
The woman we were robbing testified that I was friends with her and I had alerted her to what was happening behind her back. And that my brother was a jealous fool, who followed me around making trouble. I couldn’t believe my luck. All I had done was wink at her and she became my instant loyal minion. It was incredible and somewhat frightening. What a great front she would be! Not only was she attractive, but she came from a wealthy family. We were married. Thereafter, she took the blame for everything I did wrong and we lived happily ever after.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
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