Paroemia

Paroemia (pa-ri’-mi-a): One of several terms describing short, pithy sayings. Others include adage, apothegm, gnome, maxim, proverb, and sententia.

“When your pants fall down, pretend it didn’t happen.” This saying comes from the book, “Sayings to Say.” I had memorized 600 of its sayings. I am a therapist. I have found the quotations give me an air of wisdom without actually giving advice that can be used. This keeps my malpractice insurance low and my reputation high. I am known as “The Mystic Psychologist” and “Swami Counselami.”

I have a steady flow of clients, all insured, all mentally unstable, all ready for the Swami’s advice. Two day ago a young man, Forenell, came in for counseling who had so many problems, it took him a whole hour to tell me about them. For example, he had been slicing a bagel and accidentally slit his wrist. He called 911 and got it stitched up. Or, he was driving and closed his eyes. He hit a bridge abutment, totaled the car, and walked away with a broken arm and a concussion. Or, he wanted to “clean out” so he drank a bottle of “Your Move.” He had intended to sit on a toilet all day at work. He got really hungry at lunch time and went to the cafeteria, where he felt a flood of poop coming and pulled down his pants so they wouldn’t get soiled. He turned around to look at the clock and exploded and pooped in his boss’s face, who just turned away from his lunch to see what was going on behind him. Forenell reached down to his pants for the half-used roll of toilet paper. When he bent over, a second wave blew out landing on the boss’s burrito. Forenell was frog marched out of the building by two burly members of the company’s wrestling team. Forenell’s pants were still down as he made his way to the parking garage. He was arrested, tried, and convicted of indecent exposure. He was fined $200 and spent one month in jail, where the other inmates kept pulling down his pants.

After he told me his stories, I knew what I had to do. I pulled my copy of “Sayings to Say” down from my bookshelf, looking very solemn. I closed my eyes, opened the book, and stuck my finger on the random page, landing on a saying. I read it out loud to Forenell: “The window will open if you don’t look down.” Forenell was excited when he left my office. He called me later to tell me he had fallen out of his living room window.

Luckily, it was on the first floor. He had fallen around three feet and landed in the vinca growing around his house’s foundation. When he hit the vinca, everything became clear. He was going to California to become a professional bungee jumper. I didn’t bother to tell him there was no such thing. I took his money and took a cab to my favorite bar.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

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