Monthly Archives: January 2024

Periergia

Periergia (pe-ri-er’-gi-a): Overuse of words or figures of speech. As such, it may simply be considered synonymous with macrologia. However, as Puttenham’s term suggests, periergia may differ from simple superfluity in that the language appears over-labored.


“The sun was a ball of sizzling butter preparing evening to fry the dusk in oils of darkness, seasoned by stars shaken across the sky by God, the chef of all existing things, and their practiced waiter, serving His heavens at the feast of beginnings and endings.” This line from Apocalypto Razzuti’s “Eat the Night,” takes us beyond any measure of literary excellence so that we may nearly remain silent at its reading—awe struck and transported to providence’s mystic ether.

Razzuti’s use of what he called “spewing images” allows the reader to ascend a staircase of meaning, at each step, each comma, each preposition to wonder when the words will start to make sense. This habit of reading, of needing to have what you’re reading make sense, immerses almost all of Razutti’s readers in an ocean of doubts, anger and angst. “Eat the Night” has been hurled to the floor or into a trash bin, or even burned, many times.

But recently, a letter Razzuti wrote to his sister, Maybeleen, has surfaced, found in a box consitant with what may have been her most prized treasures. Along with the letter, there’s a pair of toenail clippers, a heart-shaped locket with no picture, a 12 inch stiletto switchblade knife, a pair of rubber gloves, a jar of pickled eggs, and an ivory toothpick.

Ironically, this was the effect Razutti was looking for—to replace affection for a text with hostility toward it: to induce dislike as a healthy aim of great literature. He believed that attachment to a book, or a poem, was perverse. So, he produced writings that were repulsive by standard literary criteria. His works make no sense, holding stalwart readers in suspense, where at the end they may say “That was shit,” and get drunk and light “Eat the Night” on fire.

The letter explains how Razzuti had hired a cadre of college freshmen literature majors to produce his writings. Knowing they would be mediocre at best, they fit his criteria of excellence and would be worthy of publication under his name. But, there is another trace. One of Razutti’s poems ends with: “In eternal shame, like snail slime across her face, my sister sits in a tub of steaming excrement, farting out her stench-laden lies. I Never wrote a letter.” So, now we have to go back to square one, to being transported, despite the likely fictitious ethic of hatred that can’t be attributed to Apocalypto Razzuti with certainty.

So, “Eat the Night!”


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Period

Period: The periodic sentence, characterized by the suspension of the completion of sense until its end. This has been more possible and favored in Greek and Latin, languages already favoring the end position for the verb, but has been approximated in uninflected languages such as English. [This figure may also engender surprise or suspense–consequences of what Kenneth Burke views as ‘appeals’ of information.


There are many, many things I want to know. Like why do I have to wear a $1,500 suit to work? I can afford it. That’s not the problem. I work the meat counter at Hannaford. I am a butcher. I cut and slice, weigh and wrap, and produce a receipt that the customer shows when they check out. I wear a white coat splotched with blood and meat fragments. My boss tells me the suit shows respect for the dead animals we sell—mostly ground or cut up. He says it’s like a barnyard funeral. I thought he was crazy. I knew at some point I would rebel. He told me that we get our meat from a cult up in the hills outside of town. They slaughter the cows and lambs with AR-15s. The ten oldest men in the cult were expected to marry a cow and write poetry about the cow’s spiritual characteristics. The cult was called MABA (Make America Bovine Again).

As my boss told me MABA’s story without calling them a bunch of crazy bastards, I knew he was a cult member. The required suit was a MABA imperative. I asked, “What’ll happen to me if I don’t wear a suit, like other butchers at other grocery stores?” He said matter of factly, “You’ll turn into a cow, be shot in the head, and butchered.” Being the arrogant nit wit that I am, I challenged the rule. The next day I didn’t wear my suit.

When I stepped behind the counter I lost consciousness and woke up in MABA’s corral. I looked down. I had hooves. I didn’t have arms or hands. The cow next to me said “This is the end of the line. I’m hoping to end up at OutBack Steak House. What about you?” There was gunfire in the background. I yelled in despair and all that came out of my mouth was a hearty “Mooo.” Then, I saw my escape route out of there. There was a gate that was periodically opened when a MABA cowboy came into the corral or left it. My opportunity came, and I went full tilt for the opened gate. I knocked the cowboy down and breezed through the gate, down the hill, and off onto the open prairie. What would I do next? Maybe I could get a job at a dairy. I went to sleep. When I woke up, I was me again. I went home, put on my suit, and went to work.

With a knowing look, my boss welcomed me back. I said “Moooove over so I can reach my boning knife!” We both laughed, but I was planning on putting my knife across his throat and making him take his suit off.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Periphrasis

Periphrasis (per-if’-ra-sis): The substitution of a descriptive word or phrase for a proper name (a species of circumlocution); or, conversely, the use of a proper name as a shorthand to stand for qualities associate with it. (Circumlocutions are rhetorically useful as euphemisms, as a method of amplification, or to hint at something without stating it.)


Billy bit the big one when he was 15. He went sailing out a fifth story window when he bent over to see if he could see the tomato he had dropped that had missed Mr. Fryline’s head—at least, that’s what the police surmised from their investigation. I knew better. I had goosed Billy while he was leaning out the window. Billy flinched, lost his footing, and out the window he went, screaming until a loud thud marked the end of his life. I looked out the window and there was a twisted Billy with blood leaking out of his head. Ironically, the smooshed tomato was lying next to Billy’s head. It was sickening.

What I learned that day was it is possible to get away with murder. Nobody suspected me. I was Billy’s best friend. We did everything together and there had never been any animosity between us. Billy was put six feet under two days later. His funeral was beautiful. Mr. Fryline took some of the responsibility for Billy’s death: if the tomato hadn’t missed him, Billy would not have been looking for it. I thought about giving a speech, but all I could think to say was “I pushed him out the fu*king window. I killed him. It’s all my fault. Arrest me!” But, of course, I kept my mouth shut, and that grew the burden on my conscience, which was already heavy.

Then I started seeing Billy. He looked like a zombie. His funeral suit was ragged, his eyes had dark circles, and his teeth were falling out. He walked up to me with his arms outstretched saying Jimmy (my name) over and over. I soiled myself and ran, with him chasing me. When I got to my house, I turned around and he was gone. I took a shower and changed my clothes. I was so terrified that I decided to tell the police what really happened to Billy. I was sure it would clear my conscience, even if it landed me in jail.

I went to the Police Station and went to the desk. I started telling my story and the desk sergeant started laughing. Soon, all the police were gathered around me laughing. Suddenly Billy popped up from behind the desk, climbed up on in and jumped off head first and his neck made a popping sound when he hit the floor. Suddenly it was quiet and it was just me and the desk sergeant again. He asked me, “Are you ok? What was it that you wanted again?” I told him it was a parking ticket my dad had gotten and wanted to know whether we could write a check for the fine. He said, “No. Cash only.” I thanked him and left.

I haven’t seen Billy since the incident in the police station.

My conscience was still eating me up until a chubby little fairy appeared and buzzed around my head. She said, “It was an accident.” and tapped me on the forehead with her wand. Then, she buzzed out the window. She had cleared my conscience. I was free!


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Personification

Personification: Reference to abstractions or inanimate objects as though they had human qualities or abilities. The English term for prosopopeia (pro-so-po-pe’-i-a) or ethopoeia (e-tho-po’-ia): the description and portrayal of a character (natural propensities, manners and affections, etc.).


It was just a normal Sunday. It was 9.30 in the morning. I was watching “Lily Gets Planted” on my laptop. It was about a feisty young farm girl who solves the murder of her cousin, Ep. Corny, the murderer, finds out and needs to get rid of Lily. He makes her dig a hole under the family tractor. He intends to “plant” Lily under the tractor and get away. He plants her. Lily is starting to suffocate when her two pet ground hogs, Slow and Moe, sniff her out and dig her out. Lily calls the police and they capture Corny trying to make his getaway on a stolen lawn tractor.

I love “Lily Gets Planted.” I have watched it every Sunday for the past three months. The woodchucks coming to the rescue bring tears to my eyes as the dirt flies and the clock is ticking on Lily’s oxygen supply. When her head pops out of the ground it’s like she is reborn and will go back to her joyful life on the farm. I must confess, I’ve grown quite fond of her and have written her several love letters. If she responds, I am going to ask her to marry me. I would love to live with her and her two groundhogs. But now, I have bigger thing to worry about.

Last week, I referred to my car as a “thief” because of all the money I spend keeping it on the road. As soon as I called it a thief, it disappeared and left a guy in a balaclava standing there. He ran away and my car rematerialized. Yesterday, I hit my thumb with a hammer and yelled “You prick!” and my hammer turned into a penis in my hand. Then, in a few minutes everything went back to normal—my hammer was a hammer again. Then, wracking my brain, I remembered my public speaking class from college—what I had been doing was making personifications—giving human attributes to things—thief and prick to my car and my hammer. So, I stopped with the personifications. I didn’t know what else to do. Then, in one last act of desperation, I went to Santa Barbara to talk to my old rhetoric professor at UCSB—she was almost 78. I told her what had been going on. She nodded her head, looked in my eyes, and grabbed my arms and quietly said “John, you are fu*king crazy.” I could live with that. Most of my family is crazy and takes some kind of medication to keep them minimally functional. So, instead of trying to do away with it my avoiding personifications, I gave them free rein and learned to revel in the temporary transformations they induced.

Now, I could go back to obsessing over Lily. I baked some special groundhog treats and mailed them to her. I am awaiting her reply like a dog without a bone.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Polyptoton

Polyptoton (po-lyp-to’-ton): Repeating a word, but in a different form. Using a cognate of a given word in close proximity.


I stood for truth and my standing in the community was noted for its integrity. I was solid as a rock—solidly grounded in the highest ideals. Then, out of nowhere, a voice in my head said “Do something bad.” It terrified me. It sounded like my high school wood shop teacher, Mr. Lamp. We would have a couple shots of bourbon in the back room by the lumber racks. He was half drunk. Only a week before our first drink, he had sawed off his third finger—two on the left hand, one on the right hand, for a total of three.

I didn’t have an adult role model, so Mr. Lamp made a good fit, “mentoring” me. He taught me how to roll a tight joint, shoplift small items, and swear. When we met, we had a rule that every sentence had to have a swear word in it. I got so good at swearing that even my bipolar dad was impressed. He was a construction worker. He would take me to work and show off my swearing. Dad’s fellow workers would applaud and I would bow and say “You’re too kind. Thank you.”

Mr. Lamp ran into trouble when campus security found a half-empty bottle of bourbon hidden in the varnish room disguised as shellac. When he bent over to pick it up, 2 joints fell out of his shirt pocket along with a bottle of opiated pain killers. It was all over for Mr. Lamp. He was dismissed from Brock Stick High School. All charges were dismissed, but he was still out of a job. Then, he was hired by Nathan Trail High School in the next town. He was welcomed by students lining the halls with upraised empty shot glasses.

Anyway, when Mr. Lamp was arrested, I vowed to leave behind my “criminal” ways. For the past ten years, I have toed the line, achieving a law abiding reputation. Now, I was hearing a voice telling me to transgress. I could not ignore it—it was in my head! It told me to drink 2 shots of bourbon and smoke a joint before work in the morning. I resisted for a week, and then gave in. I went to the liquor store and bought a pint of cheap bourbon. I stole a joint out of my son’s underwear drawer.

I drank 2 shots, toked up, and went to work. I was stoned so I took an Uber. The pot was strong. I was seeing things. That didn’t go well with the brokerage firm where I worked. I saw a giant centipede on my desk. I jumped up screaming “No, no, get off!” Then it melted away. My co-workers were ridiculing me, yelling “No, no, get off,” and laughing. The boss came out of her office. I told her there had been a giant centipede on my desk. She fired me on the spot.

Now, everything decent in my life is in the past tense. The voice in my head persists. But I may have found a remedy on the internet at Secret Remedies.com. I have been instructed to sleep with a crock pot on my head, set on medium. It is uncomfortable, my hair has started to fall out, and my head smells like beef stew. Before the crockpot, I listened to a recoding of a bee hive. It did not work. My Doctor told me if I could “stick my head where the sun don’t shine” there was a chance that the voice would be exorcised. I’m giving the crock pot another week. It probably won’t wrk, So I’m starting the exercise program for sticking my head up my ass. I use a yoga mat and lubricants and exercise to the “William Tell Overture.”


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Polysyndeton

Polysyndeton (pol-y-syn’-de-ton): Employing many conjunctions between clauses, often slowing the tempo or rhythm. (Asyndeton is the opposite of polysyndeton: an absence of conjunctions.)


There were rainy days, and happy days, and the yacht trolling the Gulf Stream reeling in bonita, and rum-soaked nights on Bimini at my favorite bar in the world. I had left my wife and kids years and years ago. It was winter in Maine. I hitched to Portland, caught a train, and off I went to Florida. My family woke up and I was gone. Gone to the good life without them. I felt no remorse or guilt or shame.

I was hired as a Marina Manager in Miami and enjoyed being around the water. However, I had significant experience as a skipper and kept my eyes open. My family had a shipyard in Maine. I was born to the water, maybe on the water. My chance came when the skipper of The Black Crow had a reprise of malaria and couldn’t get out of bed. My boss recommended me to fill in. The Black Crow was painted all black with teak decks and brass fittings. It was beautiful; almost as beautiful as the owner’s wife Sandy. Whenever I got close to her, I could smell the coconut oil she used as a sun block. The owner, Mr. Blag, couldn’t make the trip. He had to show their dog Renee at a show in Orlando. It was a Beagle.

I still didn’t know where we were going when I fired up the Black Crow. I knew only Sandy and I were gong out. As we pulled out of the marina she gave me the coordinates of where we were going. When I overlaid them on the map, I saw our destination was a mile off Bimini. Sandy said, “When we get close, start looking for floating boxes.” When we got close, we saw a broken down yacht with two men hauling boxes aboard. Sandy went below and came up with two machine guns—AR 15s. She told me to go in fast, “You know what to do.” She handed me a gun.

We emptied our clips on the usurpers and hauled in the boxes. We boarded their broken down boat and discovered they were Cuban.

Heading back to Miami Sandy came up behind me, hugged me and kissed my neck. She said softly, “You’re a killer now.“ I didn’t know what to do. She was the only one who knew and God only knew what was in the boxes. I set the boat on auto pilot. I took Sandy’s hand and we walked to the stern. I pushed her overboard and left her screaming. I pried open one of the boxes and looked inside. It was packed with bundles of $100 bills.

The Black Crow had a Boston Whaler as a sort of life boat, but more as a utility boat to go exploring. I threw three boxes into her and lowered her into the water. I lit the Black Crow on fire and headed for Bimini, where I had a friend who would get me hidden out.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Procatalepsis

Procatalepsis (pro-cat-a-lep’-sis): Refuting anticipated objections.


I know what you’re going to say: get the hell out of here. You make us sick. I know that “sick” is a feeble metaphor employed because you have no real reasons for me to leave. You are jealous—jealous of my genius and how far it eclipses your feeble attempts at inventiveness that end their days on the landfill one or two days after you present them to the world, like the foot pedal powered toothbrush that required a level of hand-foot coordination that nobody could achieve without falling down.

So, if it’s greatness you want, I’ve got a few things to show you that will assuage your nausea. I don’t suppose you gave any thought to the cardboard box beside me—so unobtrusive. So easily overlooked and forgotten. Behold! The “Secret Agent Box.” It holds one secret agent and electric gizmos and operates as a functionally invisible listening post. It was tested in the Men’s and Ladies’ rooms of British Embassy. The biggest piece of intel collected centered on the Ambassador’s chronic constipation. We discovered that he spent an inordinate amount of time on the toilet, leaving his office vulnerable to being searched. I’m revealing this to you because the operation was compromised. Our agent was making a tomato and mayonnaise sandwich. When he sprinkled on the pepper, some went up his nose and he sneezed. Now, the box has been thickly insulated so no sound escapes.

What? No applause? Well, I’ve got one more for you: the rearview front view mirror. This one’s simple. No more quick glances in the rearview mirror, looking back out the windshield so you won’t crash, but not sure you saw what you needed to see in the rearview mirror. The “Front/Back Mirror” solves this problem. It consists of of a “split screen” mirror . One half looks to the rear. The other half looks forward through a dash-cam. Once you become accustomed to it, you can drive solely using the “Front/Back Mirror.” In its test, there were some minor “incidents.” However, nobody was killed or seriously injured, except for some people who got the front and rear views confused. One person collided with a bridge abutment and another backed over a cliff.

Well, there you have it. “Paving the way into the future.” Our company’s motto, and clearly, exactly what I’m doing.

Stop booing and let me finish!

Ask yourselves: How did I pave the way into the future today? Ok, the vaccine for Malaria is important. I’ll grant you that. The remote controlled snow shovel? Ok. Pretty good. But the sockless shoes I invented last year have revolutionized the walking industry.

Ow! That hurt! If you’re going to throw things at me, I’m leaving. Ow!

POSTSCRIPT

Jerry was so unpopular with his colleagues that he was often beaten up in the Men’s Room. Nobody knew why he was so unliked. Maybe it was his unwarranted arrogance. He was reassigned to an administrative position where he constantly bragged that it was jealousy that landed him there. Eventually, he quit and went to work “selling dreams” for a brokerage firm.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Prodiorthosis

Prodiorthosis (pro-di-or-tho’-sis): A statement intended to prepare one’s audience for something shocking or offensive. An extreme example of protherapeia.


Ok kids. You’re probably wondering why we’re sitting here in the living room. You’re probably wondering where mama is. Only yesterday, she would be sitting there next to you. But today, she can’t be here.

Life is filled with uncertainties. It is a blessing and a curse—exciting and terrifying. No matter how much you hope, tomorrow can’t be known. We could never imagine that mama wouldn’t be here today. She has gone away with your Uncle Bill, my brother who has caused me relationship problems all my life. He stole 7 girlfriends from me in high school and college. It was like his hobby. After he broke up with each one, he’d offer a heartfelt apology and I would forgive him. I was a sucker—a big sucker.

But now, Uncle Bill has stolen your mother. Where did I go wrong? How did I fail? I always told her how nice and clean the kitchen was, and how clean she got the mag rims when she washed the car, and how great the lawn looked when she mowed it with the ride mower. We’d go out on our anniversary every year, the only time we needed to go out so she didn’t become distracted from her duties. And you know, we went on a one-week vacation every year, staying with your grandpa and grandma in their un-air conditioned bungalow in Flynt, Michigan. They treated us to bottled water every day! Mmmmm.

Mama took all of her belongings. If I know Bill, he will sell them and keep the money for himself. Not having a vacuum cleaner and microwave is a real setback, but we can use a broom for the vacuum cleaner, but I don’t know what to do about the microwave. She left the toaster oven. Maybe that will work as a replacement. So, as soon as Bill maxes out Mama’s credit card, he’ll drop her off on the front porch.

Hey did you hear that.? “Yes dad! It sounded like a bag of cement!” He opened the door and there was a bag of cement on the porch. It had a sticky note on it. It said, “Ha ha! Fooled you. We are headed to Florida to live happily ever after. Don’t try to find us. Just let your wife be happy for once in her life.” Little Bill, ironically named after his uncle, asked “Gee Dad, whatever are we going to do?” I told him that we were going to Florida to hunt them down, capture Mama and come back home. I would hire a PI to assist me. The children were unanimously in favor of my plan. Edward wanted to bring his BB gun so he could shoot Bill’s eye out. Because of airline restrictions we couldn’t do that. Edward was disappointed, but decided to throw “big rocks” at him instead.

We looked like a normal family walking through the airport—Little Bill was clutching his teddy bear and the twins were pulling their Disney-themed carry-on bags. When we got to the gate, the TSA officer asked me: “So what’s the purpose of your trip to Florida?” Little Bill heard him, and before I could say anything, he said ‘We’re going to capture my Mama and bring her back home. She ran away with my Uncle Bill.”

The TSA officer flinched and grabbed his radio. We weren’t going to make it to Florida. In fact, we weren’t going to make it to anywhere.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Proecthesis

Proecthesis (pro-ek’-the-sis): When, in conclusion, a justifying reason is provided.


I am a man. My hair is three feet long. It is black and shiny. It is what it is, in terms of length, because I suffer from Scissor Phobia—a rare condition passed down through generations. My father was blessed due to the long-haired hippie movement of the 60s and 70s. But when the movement died out, He was left with 5 feet of hair. As former hippy friends cut their hair and wore suits to work as bankers and brokers, he felt increasingly isolated.

He was reading “National Geographic” one day, thinking about having a pet emu, when he came to an article about a Chinese acrobat troupe. Part of their act was to hang from their hair and spin around in circles. He found the troupe’s website—they were called “The Jade Pandas.” They were remarkably open about how they did the “Spinning Hair” maneuver.

My father threw a rope attached to his hair over the limb of a tree growing in his backyard, and everything went well until he tried to spin. He waved his arms and kicked his feet. Nothing. Then, he got the idea of weaving bungee chords into his hair and winding them up. He got a little spin out of that, but not enough to impress an audience. At last, he landed on an electric motor—battery powered. He made a fake watermelon to house the motor. He put a disk on the motor’s shaft with holes drilled in it where his hair could be threaded. He was ready. His first gig was on a local community cable TV show “Trending Trends.” The host was Carlisle Shif who had a skin condition requiring that he slather his body with cortisone three times a day.

The stage hands helped my father up on the scaffold where his motor was set up. It was the first time he tried it. He wove in his hair into the disk and everything was ready to go. The switch was flipped. The motor was running way too fast. My father was parallel to the floor. His hair was coming loose from the disk. He flew into the studios, knocking over a camera and Carlisle too. The switchboard lit up. The 6 people who had been watching were “impressed” and “amazed.” Nevertheless, my father gave it up. He started seeing a therapies and after five years he got a haircut.

I’m in therapy now. One of the exercises is to run with scissors pointed at my heart.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Prolepsis

Prolepsis (pro-lep’-sis): (1) A synonym for procatalepsis [refuting anticipated objections]; (2) speaking of something future as though already done or existing. A figure of anticipation.


“This is the dawning of the age of aquarium.” I thought that was so funny, my pun on “Aquarius”—the play “Hair’s” theme song with long- haired people prancing around naked in the audience singing. It was the 60s.

It was crazy. I took acid and joined a cult called the “Tony Balonies.” Tony Baloney was a clockmaker whose clocks were always fast. People adjusted to the clock’s miscalculation and believed they lived 15 minutes in the future. For us, as Baloneyists, the future was now. When it was Monday, for us, it was Tuesday. We couldn’t hold jobs because we were never on time.

We had a school bus. It belonged to our leader Be-bop-a-Lulah. He was a multi-millionaire who had inherited his wealth from “Napalm Saviors” when his grandfather died and the company was sold. His real name was Billy Jean and he liked to dance on the dance floor and around, but as the Big Baloney he spent his time taking care of us. So, we didn’t need jobs. We rode in our bus and lived in it and followed a rock band in it. The band’s name was “Spanx.” They were unpopular and the audiences for their concerts frequently consisted solely of us. The band consisted of four bass guitarists, three accordions, a triangle and two drummers. I liked the triangle solos, especially the theme song to “All in the Family.” It was like the version Johnny Rotten played, but it was edgier.

Spanx had a conservative orientation. Their playlist included “Falling Dominoes,” “Bomb Hanoi,” “Secret Agent Orange Man,” and “Nixon Our Savior.” I didn’t particularly like any of Spanx’s songs, but for the free ride I was getting, I pretended I was a fan. But, we got a reputation and were called “The Rolling Fascists” and were unwelcome at most concerts. We barely escaped death at a Grateful Dead concert. The fans put a bomb under our bus. It fell off as we drove away and blew a five-foot deep hole in the field. With a fight, I got off the bus at the next stop.

I was free! I got a job in a gourmet beer bar. We sold beer like “Thistle Mist,” “Foam on the Range,” and “Roman Nose.” I had to learn a menu of 150 craft beers. I loved it. I had my own apartment where I could take showers, cook and watch TV. Then Be-bop-a-Lulah showed up with two thugs demanding I pay him mileage for all the times I rode around in his bus. He claimed I owed him $50.00. I had that much cash in my wallet. I paid him and he left. It was so weird, but not out of character for Be-bop-a-Lulah. I read in the newspaper two days later that he perished when his bus hit a bridge abutment. In a way, I felt relieved.

Then I met Candy Girl. The Four Seasons had a hit song named after her. She sets my heart a-whirl, just like the song. She told me I made her heart go “boom, boom, boom.” We got married and live in a rock n’ roll fantasy. Our daughter, Sherry Baby, is smart, creative, and kind.

The three of us are happy as “time keeps on slippin’ into the future” and we’re always 15 minutes off.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Protherapeia

Protherapeia (pro-ther-a-pei’-a): Preparing one’s audience for what one is about to say through conciliating words. If what is to come will be shocking, the figure is called prodiorthosis.


“Here we are for the millionth time—Applebees—the root of our family’s connectedness and feeling of family that macaroni and cheese and applesauce instilled, from being ensconced in booster seats to squeezing in the booth in blue jeans and sweatshirts ready to chow down. Mom and dad are long gone, but we can feel their presence as we put our napkins in our laps and keep our elbows off the table. Those admonitions seemed harsh back then, but now they are music to our ears.

Charlene, Frank, Mary and me, but somebody’s missing. You might not like what you’re about hear, but I have got to tell you: little Donny, our baby brother is in prison. I know it’s a shock and I would not have known if it hadn’t seen the podcast on “Local Losers” a program about out neighbors who have run afoul of the law, from parking tickets to murder. It is a great source of gossip that I follow almost religiously.

Now for the details.

First, Donny committed fraud. He had a business “Find Your Pet.” He would take client’s money and go to his neighborhood bar “Doodles” and drink it away. He would send bogus progress report via text messages. Things like “one of my operatives observed your dog urinating on a telephone pole. I went and investigated, but your dog had fled the scene, leaving only a stain on the telephone pole.” The messages were boiler plated and Donny sent the same message to the same person twice. That was the initial trigger to his demise and arrest.

Second, sticking with the pet theme, Donny shifted over to pet kidnapping and ransoming. This was not easy. In many instances burglary was added to the crime. He had to break into peoples’ houses to nab their pets. This was his downfall. He broke into a suburban home to kidnap a parrot he had observed in a cage on the front porch. He was wearing his disguise: Frosty The Snowman. It was summer, but he didn’t care. Frosty was a character we all revered as kids. Donny still thought the world of hm.

Donny broke into the house and looked around for the parrot’s cage and found it in the livening room with a shroud over it. Donny pulled off the shroud. The parrot looked at him and said really loud “Get out bucko!” Donny heard fumbling around upstairs. The owner came down the stairs, pointed a handgun at Donny, and called 911.

Donny was sentenced to 50 years in state prison; to the “Tesla Correctional Facility.” I’m sorry I had to tell you all this, this way. I imagine you’re quite upset. “Upset about what?” asked Mary. Frank said, “He was thieving little bastard. He stole my Buck Rogers ray gun and I never saw it again.” Then Charlene chimed in: “He was a pervert. He made me watch Popeye cartoons every day.”

“Well, ok,” I said. They all swore they would never visit or communicate with Donny. But, Donny had friends on the outside. One by one our siblings disappeared. I was the last one standing. I went to visit Donny. He gave me a high five and we said “Yeah!” At the same time. Donny said, “We finally got rid of those shit stains.” Then, he went on to tell me how he pulled it off. When he was done, two police officers and a plainclothes officer entered the room and Donny was arrested for three counts of murder. I wasn’t charged. I had been granted immunity for setting Donny up. I hadn’t really done anything anyway, but the meeting at Applebees got the ball rolling.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Protrope

Protrope (pro-tro’-pe): A call to action, often by using threats or promises.


“Move it! Get out of bed! Do you want me to hose you down again? Your mattress is still wet from the last time you lazy piece of shit. Move it!“

I was so damn tired I was ready to endure another hosing. I had been forced to stay up until 3.00 am completing my mentor’s matchstick lighthouse—it was four feet tall and he had been working on it for 3 years, making me work on it for my “growth and development as a human organism.” The evil Junior mentor turned on the hose and I jumped out of bed—it was 6.30 am and my eyes hurt from glue fumes and my fingers were stiff from working with the matchsticks. My matchstick worker buddy Leonardo had disappeared. There was a small stain on the floor under his workstation that looked like blood.

I didn’t know what to do. I had been sent to Grimdale Orphanage when my parents died in a motorboat crash. My father tried to cut off a cargo container ship and was run over. The search for my parents was fruitless. They were lost at sea, presumably eaten by sharks. I’m sure my little brother had something to do with what happened. He made sure we didn’t go out that day and that we were taken care of by our Dutch nanny Abbe Bakker who wore wooden shoes and was crazy. So, we spent the day jumping up and down on pieces of tin foil “to feed energy to the earth.”

Anyway, my brother was immediately adopted. He would sit on the couch with his hands held like paws, panting with his tongue hanging out. A family who ran a dog kennel fell in love with him and off he went. I on the other hand, wasn’t so lucky. I had “Nasal River Syndrome.” My nose would not stop running. I carried Kleenex in my lunchbox instead of lunch, so I would have a constant supply of tissues for my constantly running nose. People would come to Grimdale to adopt an orphan and they’d see my wet shirtfront and lunchbox full of tissues and say “Next.” I had lived in the orphanage for 10 years and was turning 17 next month. Maybe my mentor could help me. I begged Mr. Twozlok to help me somehow. He told me it was my fate to leak all over my shirtfront and use 100s of tissues in a day.

So I went again to the weekly “Find a Family” event, absolutely certain that I’d be rejected by everybody. Then, an incredibly wealthy looking man waved excitedly at me. He had a jewel encrusted sponge around his neck and a 24kt. gold lunchbox with tissues hanging out. He said, “Clearly, you have what I have. Given the rarity of our malady, there is an excellent chance you are my son, plus you have one green eye and one blue eye, like me.” I started sobbing. I discovered that when I sobbed, my nose would stop running.

We went home to his mansion and he introduced me to my new mother. She hung a sponge pendant around my neck and welcomed me with a big hug. I was ecstatic, but I still had unfinished business—learning how to sob on demand and solving the disappearance of my friend Leonardo.

POSTSCRIPT

Leonardo’s remains were found dismembered and stuffed into Mr. Twozlok’s Lighthouse. It was discovered that the lighthouse was the symbolic representation of a central feature of the cult that Twozlok belonged to. He was an elder and was charged with burning a lighthouse with a dead young male stuffed in it. The ritual appeased their god’s need to make people do bad and disgusting things every 50 years as signs of their faith.

Sobbing on demand was out of reach until the boy chopped up an onion to go with some home fries he was helping his mother prepare. They made his eyes tear up, and if he made a grunting sound, it approximated sobbing. From that time on, he carried a small gold case filled with fresh onion slices that he would dice the lid with the pearl-handled pen knife his father had given him engraved: “Let your tears roll down like nature’s saving rain,” Although he smelled like his mother’s nearly magical meatloaf, he knew the onions were his salvation. This was driven home when he met and married a girl named “Matahari” (an onion variety) whose family owns a 200-acre onion farm in the Salinas Valley near Monterey. He manages the farm and phones his parents every Sunday to let them know how he and Matahari are doing. He is happy.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Proverb

Proverb: One of several terms describing short, pithy sayings. Others include adage, apothegm, gnome, maxim, paroemia, and sententia.


“Don’t judge a book by its cover.” If I had taken this advice, I probably would’ve married “Plain Patty.” She had a huge vocabulary, knew the meaning of every word, could do algebra, cook, and do laundry. Not only that, she loved me and actually proposed marriage to me. Of course, I turned her down and went for Helen Hotte. She was all cover, no book. She made me drool. She was blonde. She was beautiful. She could’ve been a model. She could dance. The way she said “oh Willy” made my hair stand on end. She wanted things and I gave her as much as I could—mostly clothing and jewelry. And of course, we’d go out to eat at the best restaurants, ordering the most expensive things on the menu. I was up to my neck with a loan shark and was expecting to be knee-capped soon.

Then, I got drafted. The Vietnam War was going full tilt. My loan shark was patriotic and let me off the hook. It was the second most wonderful thing that ever happened in my life. Number one was marrying Helen.

I finished my Army training and shipped out to Vietnam. I thought I was going to die. But instead, I was assigned to a special operations detachment in Saigon. Our job was to “Magnify the American presence” by walking around Saigon, going to the best restaurants, steam baths, and bars, all the time wearing hand-tailored suits from Hong Kong. In fact, my first assignment was to go to Hong Kong and have several silk suits made. The closest I ever came to being killed was when my driver had a leg spasm and crashed our limo into a garbage can.

I got one letter from Helen the whole time I was in Vietnam. In it, she told me she made a new friend named Ed who was “way richer” than me. Then, about 2 weeks before I was due to return to the States, I got a letter telling she had a “little” surprise and that she couldn’t meet me at the airport, and that she has a new address. I was to meet her there.

I pulled up in a cab in front of a mansion in Madison, NJ. I double-checked the address with the driver. He assured me that this was the right place. I told the driver to blow the horn. She came out on the porch holding a baby.There was a lummox standing next to her who looked like a weight lifter soaked in steroids. He had a patch over one eye. I ran up to the porch and grabbed the baby. “Floor it!” I yelled at the cabby. We took off for Jersey City and landed at Plain Patty’s. I pounded on the door yelling “Patty, Patty, Patty! Help me I’ve done something terrible.” Patty came to the door, held out her arms, and took the baby. She said, “I’m sorry Willy, but this isn’t a real baby—it’s a ‘CAREX Lifelike Newborn Baby Doll’ made of rubber. You’ve been tricked!”

I didn’t know what Helen’s game was, and I didn’t care. I loved Patty—she was a book I could read forever. I divorced Helen and married Patty. When we get bored we play catch with the rubber baby and laugh.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Prozeugma

Prozeugma (pro-zoog’-ma): A series of clauses in which the verb employed in the first is elided (and thus implied) in the others.


Today I’m going to the grocery store. I’m out of pita chips. And next to the pet cemetary to visit Buffo my long-dead pet box turtle who they say died trying to save my life when I wandered into the street. He was squished flat by the Good Humor man ice cream truck. It was disgusting. It gave me PTSD. And next to the crayon factory where I used to work—where they unfairly terminated me for “inventing” my own colors. I’m visiting my girlfriend who still works there as my undercover mole. I will be investigating different ways of torching the place. Right now I’m thinking “premium gasoline at dawn.” It has a dramatic flair, and of course, premium gas will make an inferno. And next to “The Raining Dog Bar and Grill.” There’s a stuffed German Shepard behind the bar. It takes up a lot of space, so it must be important. It has a clock mechanism that makes it slobber every hour. The slobbering triggers a 15-minute happy hour, where all of the worst drinks are half-price.

After doing my chores and errands, I arrived at the “Raining Dog.” I ordered a double Fireball martini with 2 acorns. The bartender told me it’s what squirrels drink before they run out in front of cars. I pretended I believed him just to see the look on his face. I drank 2 more martinis.

I was very drunk. I swallowed one of the acorns. It made me feel different. Holy shit! I had turned into a squirrel. I looked around and could see all these places where acorns were buried. it was like the Matrix. All I could do was sit on the curb and make a chattering noise. It was a cry for help. Then, a dog was coming toward me. It was on a leash, but still, I panicked and ran into the street. A beautiful woman on a bicycle ran over me. I knew I was going to die. I could barely breathe. The woman wrapped me in her scarf and we took off. We ended up at the landfill where she unwrapped me and threw me onto the garbage pile. Two hungry homeless people came by and saw me. They decided to eat me. When one of them picked me up something went “Snap!” In my back. I was miraculously restored. I bit the homeless man on the finger and scampered away. Believe it or not, the next morning I was me again. I had a little pain in my back, and a wicked hangover, but otherwise, I was well.

I wanted to find the woman who had thrown me on the landfill. I wanted to kill her. I hung out on the street where she ran me over. Then one day I saw her. I jumped in front of her bicycle and yelled “You would’ve killed me!” She slammed on her brakes and went over the handlebars. Immediately, I regretted what I had done. I helped her up and asked her if she wanted to go to “The Raining Dog” for a drink. She said “Not with you, creep!” So, I went by myself. I got half drunk and decided to eat dinner. Strangely, fried squirrel with carrots and squash were the night’s dinner special. It could’ve been me on the menu, I thought, as I disjointed a hind leg, pulled it off, and took a big bite of nicely done squirrel.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99

Pysma

Pysma (pys’-ma): The asking of multiple questions successively (which would together require a complex reply). A rhetorical use of the question.


Who am I? What am I? Where am I? Why am I? I gave up on trying answer these question when I became a pasta machine operater when I was 19. I’d put on my white apron and little white paper hat and yell “Pasta Ho” and flip the switch. The pastas would squeeze through the die, spewing what looked like white worms. The name of the company I worked for was “Pasta Masters.” The company began when Tony Chip absconded from Naples with a pasta recipe dating back to ancient Rome. It was 1920 and Tony fled to America. He was pursued by “Tentacles” Buskini. He always got his man—that’s why he was called “Tenacles.”

Tony knew he would be chased, so, he took precautions. The two most important were growing a big bushy beard and learning to speak English with a New York accent. The ruses worked, but he was greedy. He opened a pasta factory and was tremendously successful. Tentacles heard about the factory and guessed that Tony was somehow involved. He checked and made sure his gun was loaded and took off for “Pasta Masters”:where he would find Tony and “blow a couple holes in him.”

Tentacles snuck into the factory and put on a white apron and a little white paper hat. He blended in. He found Tony’s office. Tony was on his desk with one of the workers. This was the only proven way to get a pay raise, or promotion at “Pasta Masters”. So, the desktop frolics were normal.

Tentacles kicked open the door. He didn’t even give Tony a chance to stand up. He shot him 4 times in the head. Tony died instantly. The girl underneath him started yelling at Tentacles to get Tony off of her. He complied and pushed Tony onto the floor. A medallion bearing the Caligula family crest fell out of Tony’s pocket. “Caligula” was Tony’s real surname and Tentacles’ too. Tony and Tentacles were related! Tony took out his backup pistol, wipe it down, and put it in Tony’s hand. He told the girl it was self-defense that she witnessed. People were banging on the door. Tentacles opened it. He was handcuffed, but, when the girl told the “story” of what happened, Tentacles was let go and not charged. Later, he argued in court that he was the pasta factory’s heir: he was the only known living relative of Tony, who was also a Caligula. Tentacles received ownership of the factory and it continues to be a huge success.

Tentacles is long gone, but his great-grandson “Murky” runs the factory now. Tentacles’ pistol is mounted on Murky’s office wall with a plaque under it reading: “Lead in the head puts problems to bed.”


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99

Ratiocinatio

Ratiocinatio (ra’-ti-o-cin-a’-ti-o): Reasoning (typically with oneself) by asking questions. Sometimes equivalent to anthypophora. More specifically, ratiocinatio can mean making statements, then asking the reason (ratio) for such an affirmation, then answering oneself. In this latter sense ratiocinatiois closely related to aetiologia. [As a questioning strategy, it is also related to erotima {the general term for a rhetorical question}.]


It was too late to be working on my wood carving. I was so tired I could cut myself with my electric carving tool. I had simply put a carving bit in a dentist’s drill and strapped a piece of wood in the dentist’s chair. I specialized in teak molars. Each one had a silver filling. Each one was about the size of a beer keg. Since the molars were made of wood, I would jokingly ask myself, what would George Washington think? I would answer: “He would love it. He would pick it up and do a jig holding on his head,” and calling Martha to come and see. But this was just a futile fantasy—the tooth weighed around 50 lbs, and George probably couldn’t hoist it up on his head.

My hand-carved giant wooden teeth were not selling well, in fact, they weren’t selling at all. That’s why I worked on my craft at night—I had a day job at “Doom Box.” We made “affordable” bomb shelters. We repurposed porta-potties, installing steel doors, burying them vertically, and fitting them with a solar powered ventilation system. You have the convenience of the sit-down toilet and a urination pipe. There’s wall-to wall carpeting, a solar powered space heater, lighting, little refrigerator, geiger counter, and a well. There’s a remote controlled machine gun mounted in the dirt above the shelter to “fend off” unruly neighbors. It has solar powered cctv so it is always “looking” everywhere. The shelters can be joined together to accommodate a family, each module containing the same amenities. There are more features, but suffice it to say to say the shelter will give you a smooth ride through the end of time! The END will be a beginning in the comfort of your radioactive resistant underground hutch: like Nero, doing a jig while the earth burns. You could play a harmonica Wouldn’t it be funny if that was how the “Armageddon Rider” was advertised? Well, it isn’t. But I don’t care. It’s a job.

I’ve been wracking my brain trying to think of what I might be able to make with my dental carver that may be more salable. I thought of teak clothespins. But there’s not much of a market there—most people use a clothes dryer. Then, I thought of teak letter openers. But, given email there’s not much of a market there. THEN! I got the idea I could carve statues of people’s pets! They would be life-sized and cost $800-$1050. My first commission was a pet beaver. The client laughed and told me it was his wife’s beaver. I didn’t laugh, taking the moral high road. He said: “What’s the matter, don’t you like my wife’s beaver?” So, I laughed. He said, “What’s so funny about my wife’s beaver you pervert?” He picked up one of my chisels. He lunged at me. I stepped aside and he landed on his face in the dental chair. My carving tool was fitted with an auger bit. I pressed it to his neck and hit the foot pedal that controlled it’s speed. He said “Bastard” and gurgled and died.

What happened was judged to be self defense. My “victim” had recently escaped from a cult. It was called “The Society of Nocturnal Remission.” They believe that forgiveness comes at night when you are sleeping, so it’s like it never happened. While the hearing was going on, I met my victim’s wife, whose beaver, in a way, had caused her husband’s death. She showed no remorse. “He was a lunatic,” she said. We dated, and I made a statue of her beaver and surprised her with it. She was joyous and asked me to move in with her. Actually, she moved in with me. I couldn’t move my studio—the dental chair alone weighed a half-ton.

So we settled in. One day she told me her sister was coming to visit and she was bringing her beaver so it could play with my wife’s beaver. That’s when I decided to take my wife’s beaver out to the swamp and turn it loose, where it would be free to eat logs and build dams. It was cruel, but all the beaver talk was driving me mad. So, I decided to get her a cat from the animal shelter. She didn’t mind getting rid of the beaver—she said it smelled and weighed 70 lbs and wasn’t fun any more. When she first saw the cat she said, “Oh, it’s my pretty little pussy.” I asked myself, “Why didn’t I get her a Parakeet? Because I love cats. So, what to do?” I decided to give the cat a name, and call it only by its name. We had him neutered and decided to name him Nonuts; and call him Nuts for short. We only call him Nonuts when he’s bad.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99

Repotia

Repotia (re-po’-ti-a): 1. The repetition of a phrase with slight differences in style, diction, tone, etc. 2. A discourse celebrating a wedding feast.


I had taken a handful of Valium. I had never given a wedding speech before, or any kind of a speech for that matter. I couldn’t back down now. I’d agreed to do it during my bachelor party. I was showing off to the stripper sitting on my lap, winding one of her stockings around my neck, and smiling at me. When I looked in her eyes, I thought about cancelling the wedding. But, Nolean had been waiting for five years. We had met at Pep Boys. I was looking for an extension for my ratchet wrench and Nolean was looking for a keyring. She wanted to “dress up” her car, and also, let people know she drove a vintage Corvair—“unsafe at any speed” as Ralph Nader had said. She wanted people to know she was a risk taker—a wild child. Her idea of “wild” was driving around with the windows down, or pumping gas with her left hand (she was right-handed). She wore a Boy Scout neckerchief as an accessory every day except Friday when she wore a piece of baccala around her neck “Out of respect for Jesus.” Bottom line: she was weird. But my God she was beautiful and she could sing. Her rendition of “Tip-toe Through the Tulips” made me want to take off my Birkenstocks and tip-toe around the yard. And her version of “Duke of Earl” made me feel like I was standing on my castle’s ramparts, looking over the moat with Nolean standing on the drawbridge singing “Duke of Earl.” And then there’s Devo’s “Satisfaction.” I want to unzip my pants and spin around in circles grunting, but I don’t. I am not a party animal—I’m more of a party pooper, and Nolean likes me that way.

Now we were married for one hour and I had to give my speech at the wedding reception. I stood and nearly pooped my pants, then I started to speak:

“Nolean, you are the spark that kindles my flame of love for you. Marriage is the best thing we can do. We get a break on our taxes, and if we have a child, we get an even bigger break. We will be together until we both have dementia, lose our way home and forget to get dressed. With luck, like the dementia, we’ll both get cancer or brain tumors and fade away side by side at the same hospital. In the meantime, we’ll wear our masks for COVID and get vaccinated for Shingles.

I promise to stay out of jail. The stolen car thing was a mistake that I’ll never repeat. If I go to jail for anything, it will be for petty theft, mainly from hardware stores, or Dick’s—spinner baits and rubber worms and glow in the dark golf balls. These things tempt me, but you tempt me more.

I know you love only me and have known it ever since you told me five years ago when we were laying on a blanket under the stars—you showed me a constellation I had never seen before—Myanus, my anus: it gave me hope and confidence in our future. “My anus” has been constantly on my mind—sometimes it makes me itch to get out there and walk like a man.

So, this is the greatest day of my life—better than my first hit of weed. Better than when I passed my driver’s license road test. Better than when I got my first BB gun.

Now, my beautiful talented wife will sing “Workin’ on the Chain Gang” to recognize the life sentence to marriage that we both rightfully deserve.

POSTSCRIPT

Nolean was singing “Workin’ on the Chain Gang” when the police raided the reception and arrested the groom for stealing rubber worms from Dick’s. He had incriminated himself in his groom’s speech. He received a 6-month sentence. Nolean had the marriage annulled.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Restrictio

Restrictio (re-strik’-ti-o): Making an exception to a previously made statement. Restricting or limiting what has already been said.


They would all go to hell for all I care. Oh—except for Mace. She should go to a place worse than hell. But I shouldn’t be thinking about this. It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon in central New York. It is snowing. The sun hasn’t been out for a month, and the deer are eating my shrubs, including my raspberry bushes. The coyotes are out howling at night, hunting neighborhood house cats. When they catch one, they start yipping in a sort of self-congratulatory chorus. I had a chimney fire a couple of days ago, and my snowplow man hit the garage door. Now it’s stuck shut with my cars in it. The repair people say they will be here within the next two weeks. So far, I’ve spent $300 on Uber. I can’t fire Steve because plowers are so hard to find. I am stuck. My driveway is about 1/4 mile long. I check the mail. So far, I have fallen down 6 times hiking up to the mailbox. All I get are bills and catalogues. The catalogues go into recycling. Also, I drag a garbage can and a recycling can up and down the driveway. I had my house built way off the road. That was a mistake. At least I have streaming internet. You just tell Siri what you want and she’ll fetch it for you: “Siri, Abraham Lincoln.” A thing spins around on the screen and Honest Abe appears, smiles and waves, and then delivers the “Gettysburg Address.” I discovered Siri could find, and I could talk to dead relatives. My Nana is doing great now in Heaven. She’s reading “Divine Comestibles” and making “heavenly” entrees for her angel friends.

Uncle Willy didn’t do too well. He resides in hell where he is eternally poked with molten metal rods. He spent his life lying, cheating and stealing. He managed to escape justice and never spent a minute is jail. The cops didn’t get him, but Satan did. Satan told me my uncle was a poster boy for hell, you didn’t need to commit murder, or worse, to make the grade. Between screams, uncle Willy nodded his head vigorously. One time, when I was visiting Willy, I saw my high school English teacher walk by in the background. I yelled to her and she came over by Willy. I asked her what she had done. Sho hold me none of my business. Satan poked her hard in the butt with his glowing pitchfork. She screamed and said “Plagiarism.” Satan gave her five hard ones in the butt, and she screamed and then elaborated. “I stole the manuscript from a poverty-stricken man who was blind. His name was Milton and his daughters had helped him compose the manuscript. I told him I wanted to borrow the manuscript so I could find him an agent. I took it and lit his house on fire. I’ll never forget the smell. I published the manuscript as my own and won a Nobel Prize for Literature.”

As soon as she finished Satan gave her a half-dozen pokes in the butt and told a her to get to work. She ran away screaming. I asked Satan what her job is. He looked nearly sick and said “You don’t want to know.” I said “goodbye” to uncle Willy and thanked Satan for letting me tune in. He said, “Don’t thank me, thank Siri.”

Siri had materialized in my living room and was sitting on my lap. Siri tells me that she had been “searching for me all her life.” I say to her, “Siri, a mansion in Florida.” You guessed it! We buried the people who previously lived there. I settled into my life of granted wishes and good living.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Sarcasmus

Sarcasmus (sar’kaz’-mus): Use of mockery, verbal taunts, or bitter irony.


I couldn’t help it. I had no control over it. I had lost all but one of my friends. He was a complete idiot. I didn’t want him for a friend. He made me uncomfortable. He complimented me over and over for everything from my teeth to my butt.

My problem was that I could not help insulting people. I contracted it 5 years ago on a trip to New York City, where insults are rampant. Like, you might ask how to get to the Empire State Building, and the person you ask might answer “What, do I look like a GPS, asshole—take a friggin’ Uber shit for brains.” This happened over and over until I became infected with “Insultic Syndrome.” When I got home, I couldn’t stop insulting people. I told my wife she looked like an “overinflated blimp.” Then I told her “she was so ugly, she could make a baby cry.” Then I told my mother that “she couldn’t raise a kid right even if Dr. Spock was her husband.” I told my sister that I was “tired of her goose-stepping, honking out praise for Trump.” She became violent, hitting me on the head with a flower vase, leaving a gash that needed 105 stitches. That didn’t stop me. I told my boss that he smelled like he “just got back from hell.” He fired me on the spot. But, I went on heedless of the consequences, I had to insult—the complete opposite of my friend Bill’s compulsion to praise. I had gone New York—the insult capital of the world. Bill had gone to San Fransisco, the compliment capital of the world. He had contracted “Praisinosis” while leaving his heart there.

When we got together, I would insult him ruthlessly and he would compliment me without limit. I would say, “Kiss my ass loser.” And he would respond, “You remind me of Plato.” I would say to him “You’re like a fart as big as the moon.” And he would say, “You’re the cream in my coffee.”

The beat goes on. Bill and I decided to move in together. I started an internet business called “FU Man.” I write insults for people who want to hurt somebody, but aren’t mean enough to come up with a good insult on their own. Bill has been contracted by a greeting card company to write sappy text for anniversary, valentine, and condolence cards. We are doing well—although Bill is a f*cking idiot, we get along well.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Scesis Onomaton

Scesis Onomaton (ske’-sis-o-no’-ma-ton): 1. A sentence constructed only of nouns and adjectives (typically in a regular pattern). 2. A series of successive, synonymous expressions.


Big dreams. Piled promises. Cautious optimism Why? “Because, because, because, because, because.” I learned this wise saying from being a scarecrow, looking for The Wizard of Oz with loony. Dorothy and the crew. She’s trying to provide a justification for going to Oz to see the Wizard. Dorothy, our leader, is still high on opium poppies so it takes her awhile to disclose the foundation of the justification. Her crew, the Scarecrow (me), Tin Man, and the Lion are immune to the effects of opium, but we are hesitant to speak over her due to her singleminded commitment to going to Oz. The Scarecrow (me) has some brains and could probably fill in the blank, but I know Dorothy would admonish me for being a know-it-all, which as a matter of fact Dorothy was. If she had’t rescued me from crows pecking at me in a corn field, I would’ve taken off days ago. The Tin Man and Lion were too stupid to realize that Dorothy had snagged them when they were down and out, and like a good cult leader had pumped up their self-esteem by making empty promises—courage for the Lion, a heart for the Tin Man. Absurd! She promised me a brain. I knew I already had one. I knew Dorothy was full of shit and just bossed the three of us around to serve her obsession to go to Oz to fulfill her self-absorbed fantasy of getting back home to Kansas. I considered sabotaging her by cluing in the Tin Man and the Lion that the real reason for going to Oz, and following the Yellow Brick Road, was all about Dorothy’s selfish desires.

So, as we’d just emerged from the poppy field and could see Oz in distance, Dorothy snapped out of her daze and began to sing:

“If ever a wiz there was
If ever, oh ever a wiz there was

The Wizard of Oz is one because
Because, because, because, because, because
Because of the wonderful things he does
We’re off to see the Wizard
The wonderful Wizard of Oz”

“Oh my,” she yelled. So now we knew, it’s “because of the wonderful things he does.” I asked Dorothy: “Can you give me an example?” She told me to shut up and keep walking. I did.

We got to the Oz city gates and headed to the Wizard’s palace. He was drunk and had a hot-looking munchkin on each knee. They were singing an off-color song about lollipops. The Wizard said “What do you sorry looking stooges want?” “I want to go back to Kansas,” said Dorothy, pulling the lollipop out of the Wizard’s hand. “What do I look like United Airlines?” The Wizard asked. Dorothy yelled “You bastard! You’re nothing but a con artist.” “So what? This is Oz. Get used to it—you’re not in Kansas any more, baby.” Said the Wizard with a scornful look on his face.

That was that. We had to get jobs. I found a field where I could set up a scare crow operation. The Cowardly Lion joined a small traveling circus. The Tin Man became a mime performer in Oz Square. He would chop wood and oil himself and have his picture taken by tourists. Dorothy didn’t do too well, as a “normal” human, she had trouble finding a job. She worked as a towel dryer in a car wash. Then she worked pumping septic tanks. Her last job was working in the emerald mines where she met the millionaire munchkin Yelson Popchick and married him. She still wants to go back to Kansas, but alas, it will never be. She has started a movement to impeach the Wizard of Oz. She will fail because, because, because, because, because.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Sententia

Sententia (sen-ten’-ti-a): One of several terms describing short, pithy sayings. Others include adage, apothegem, gnome, maxim, paroemia, and proverb.


“Go to the ant, you slacker! Observe its ways and become wise.” Proverbs 6:6

I wanted to become wise. I had tried everything. I was reading the Bible’s Book of Proverbs and came across the saying about ants. I wondered how ant-watching would make me wise. How long should I watch them? Are some ants wiser than others? If they’re so wise, why are they only ants? There was an ant mound in my back yard. I would set up an observation site. I had a lawn chair and a beach umbrella. I had a six-pack of Coke in a small cooler, and I set my iPhone on “video” to document the wise things the ants would do.

Basically, they did nothing. I sat there for a half-hour and there were no ants to be seen. Is this the wisdom: stay inside on hot days? I poked the mound. The mound came to life. Hundreds of ants came streaming out. They were like a wave. I was wearing shorts and they streamed up my legs. That’s when I realized the mound was a fire ant mound. They started stinging my legs and crawled up into my underwear, then, across my stomach, relentlessly stinging me. I started getting chills up my spine and I felt dizzy—my vision was going blurry and my legs were swelling up. Lucky for me, I had my cellphone. I called 911. I was on the verge of passing out when the paramedics arrived. They tore off my clothes and sprayed me all over with wasp killer. That killed the ants. They loaded me in the ambulance and took me off to the hospital for observation.

After I had been “observed” overnight, and soaked in Benadryl, I was released and my girlfriend drove me home. When we opened the door, there was a swarm of ants on the living room floor. They reared up like little horses and shook their heads. We stood there looking at each other while my girlfriend backed out the door. Suddenly, they came racing toward me making a collective hissing sound. I turned to run and I slipped and fell. I felt them biting my feet and calves and my legs went numb. I couldn’t get up. I was going to die from fire ant venom poisoning.

I yelled: “God! Please help me! I go to church some times! I followed your instructions in Proverbs. How can ants teach me wisdom? Does being killed by ants do it?” Out of nowhere Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t Fear the Reaper” started playing on my stereo and a spinning color wheel light popped out of the floor. A deep male voice said “Go away!” And the ants disappeared and my legs could work again. And God said, “I’m sorry about the ant thing. I should’ve been more specific. I should’ve said ‘Carpenter ants’ or something like that.” There was a wooshing sound, and then, silence and the light wheel disappeared. God was gone.

Next week, I’m setting up a new observation site down the street. There is an old oak tree that carpenter ants are destroying. They seem quite friendly. I can’t wait for the wisdom lessons they’re going to teach me. I will set up a blog: “The Wisdom of the Ants.” Make sure to tune in!


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Simile

Simile (si’-mi-lee): An explicit comparison, often (but not necessarily) employing “like” or “as.”


He was like a bee gathering pollen from Hog Weed.

He had spent 3 years in the Army as an enlisted man. He was used to taking orders, not giving them. You couldn’t just say “Meet me at the mall.” You had to say “Convey yourself in your motorized transport vehicle to the west end parking lot, exit your vehicle and make your way to the portal marked ‘Entrance.’ Take 25 steps and turn north. Proceed to the fountain in front of you. I will be positioned at 11:00 o’clock on the ledge circling the fountain, with Dick’s marking 12:00.”

I put it in writing. As I handed him the paper, he said, “I appreciate the written documentation, but I’m afaraid I’ll lose it. Can you just tell it to me again so I’m sure to follow your orders? I’m a good listener.”

Actually, he was like a slug in blue jeans. He was like a piece of gum that needed to be scraped off the floor. He needed to get out of the habit of needing a book, or a spreadsheet, or a roadmap to tell him what to do.

His retraining began at my house. I thought I could help him. He was sleeping over. I was going to say “Time for bed” to kick things off. We had just finished watching “Barbie.” It was 11:30. I looked at him and said “Time for bed Carl.” He looked at me with a blank look on his face—like a dog who had lost its hearing—like he knew I wanted him to do something, but he didn’t know what. So, I said it again: “It’s time for bed.” He started squirming around and scratching his armpit. I wondered what the hell that was about. Acting like nothing weird was going on, Carl asked me to give him a couple minutes while he got a drink of water from the kitchen. I said “Roger that.” He headed into the kitchen. The next thing I knew, I heard the kitchen door slam. I looked out the window, and there was Carl running down the driveway carrying my toaster oven. That was it. I took off after him. He dropped the toaster oven and climbed a small apple tree. I hit him over the head with the toaster oven and knocked him unconscious. I ran back to my house a got a roll of duct tape. He was coming to just as I got back to the tree. I grabbed him and wrapped duct tape around his wrists, behind his back. Then, I marched him back to my house and sat him down on the couch. I asked him: “What the hell is going on?” With great effort, sweating, eyeballs popping, he answered my question.

“There is a psychological disorder endemic to the military. It is called Obedient Solider Syndrome (OSS). It happens when a soldier becomes obsessively concerned with following orders and cannot do what he is expected to do unless it is spelled out in great detail. These soldiers end up in a Psych ward, and subsequently, they are discharged. I am one of them.

I have a particularly acute case of OSS and the VA will be employing me to write instructions for shampoo bottles, assembly manuals, for camping tents, and lawnmowers, recipes for cookbooks, and myriad other things where my malady is a benefit. I thought, “This is the craziest bullshit I ever heard.” I asked Carl: “Are you going to get help for your condition?” He asked, “Can you be more explicit?”


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Skotison

Skotison (sko’-ti-son): Purposeful obscurity.


The thing was moving around the other thing, slowly without joy or remorse. It was the kind of thing that affected other things in unpredictable ways. I was walking my dog and I looked down, and it, the thing, was there on the sidewalk, on its side, like it had been put there by something that wanted me to trip and fall on my face, which I did because I didn’t see the other thing alongside it. The thing made me skin my chin and made my dog run away when I fell. “Somebody’s got to do something about these things,” I thought as I stepped around them. But I had better things to do. Things had been piling up on my desk—things that were urgent, things that needed to be taken care of or other things would pile up.

“How things have changed,” I said to one of the things on my desk. It had been there so long that I threw it away. “It’s just one of those things,” I said as I started neatly stacking up the rest of the things, preparing to shove them off the side of my desk in a pile, into the trashcan with the things I had already discarded. They belonged together—a bunch of things with nothing in common except being things. I swore if I got one more thing in the mail I would stomp on it and leave it on the floor.

Just then, my wife walked into my office. She was carrying a tray. “Honey, I’ve made you your two favorite things. “Oh!” I exclaimed, “These things make my life light up. Not like these things in the wastebasket that do bad things.” I had something to drink and gobbled up the 2 sugary things on the plate on the tray. I told my wife, “These are the things that make life worthwhile.” She said, “Honey, I wish you wouldn’t say ‘thing’ all the time.”

I was shocked. “Thing talk” had always been a hobby of mine. In our 8 years together Marissa had never complained. “Why do you mention it now after all these years?” “Your ‘thing’ has lost its meaning to me, as surrounded as it is by all the other things, it does not stand out. It is just another thing.” I stopped calling everything “thing” and reserved it solely for my thing. Marissa was overjoyed. Something had returned to our marriage. Things returned to normal.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Syllepsis

Syllepsis (sil-lep’-sis): When a single word that governs or modifies two or more others must be understood differently with respect to each of those words. A combination of grammatical parallelism and semantic incongruity, often with a witty or comical effect. Not to be confused with zeugma: [a general term describing when one part of speech {most often the main verb, but sometimes a noun} governs two or more other parts of a sentence {often in a series}].


I was spooning my soup, but I really wanted to be spooning Nell. I couldn’t show my romantic inclinations in front of her mother at the dinner table. My presence was an experiment. Her mother wanted to see what kind of person I am and she felt that the dinner table—with the play of manners—was the best place to do so. Nell and I had been dating for one year, and this was my 75th dinner with the Tonbells. We have the same thing every time. Leek soup, bread and butter, meatloaf, potatoes, and carrots with ice water and ginger snaps and hot tea for dessert. The food was pretty good, but enough was enough. Nell said that I should wait for her mother to ask if I wanted to marry her (Nell). I had agreed up until now. The time had come for me to ask for Nell’s hand. When we were having our tea, I asked.

Nell’s mother looked at me as if I had punched her, and that asking for Nell’s hand was a curse from hell. I was shocked when she pulled a handgun out of her dress and pointed it at her head and said, “If you marry my daughter, I will kill myself.” I had recently completed a course in conflict management at the local community college, so I was ready.: “Conflicts are over who has what rights and responsibilities, facts, and motives. Listening is . . . “ She didn’t let me finish. She aimed the pistol at me and said “I’m going to shoot you when we finish our tea.” “What’s so bad about me?” I asked in tears. She said, “You want to marry my idiot daughter, that’s what’s so bad. She has no taste. She would marry an SUV if it was wearing pants. She needs to marry a doctor who can take care of her.” We were almost done with our tea. The end was near.

I told Nell’s mother that I would go to medical school and become a brain surgeon. She put down the gun and said she would reconsider. That night she fell out of her bedroom window and broke her neck and died. I thought “Good riddance.” She was completely insane. Nell’s father had left years earlier, after Nell’s mother had put marbles on the stairs and he had suffered a broken leg and arm and a concussion.

Nell and I got married. We had leek soup once a month in memory of her mother. I’m pretty sure Nell killed her mother, but I’m not going to ask her.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Symploce

Symploce (sim’-plo-see or sim’-plo-kee): The combination of anaphora and epistrophe: beginning a series of lines, clauses, or sentences with the same word or phrase while simultaneously repeating a different word or phrase at the end of each element in this series.


There was a time when I gave a damn. There was a place that was worth a damn. There was a suit I wore that made me go “woah damn,” Everything’s in the past—a tower of memories babbling in my brain like a polluted brook outside the factory in New Jersey where they make glow-in-the-dark radioactive key rings at the dawn of the keyless epoch. And Margie used to matter, going bald from the radioactivity, with bleeding gums, and chronic diarrhea, and corns. She could barely talk and maybe that’s why I loved her. Her cognitive capacities had deteriorated to the point that she couldn’t talk back without tremendous effort that would induce an attack of diarrhea. So, Margie was docile—like one of Bo Peep’s sheep, wandering quietly through life in the pasture of the shadow of death.

We moved in together. We had four children. None with birth defects. When we moved in together, I figured she had around 6 months to live. Instead, she lived 10 years. We were not wealthy, or even middle class. We were poor. I stole a shopping cart from Hannaford’s to take her for walks. We would go to the park and I would splash water on her from the park’s fountain and take selfies together with the gazebo in the background, or a random squirrel. She loved laying on her back, rolling along, looking at the sky. I thought of her as my Tiny Tim from “A Christmas Carol.” I had planned on parking her empty shopping cart by our fireplace after she died. Then, I realized we didn’t have a fireplace and had to change my plan. Instead, I was going to park the shopping cart in the back yard, like a birdbath, as a sort of memorial.

When my dear Margie finally died, I needed to get a suit for her funeral. The children had a lot of money from their scratch-off lotto winnings. I had stolen 4 Take Fives when the Cliff’s clerk wasn’t looking. Between them, they had won $1500. On the other hand, my unemployment benefits had run out, and although my new job polishing slot machines and emptying ashtrays started the next week at the casino, I had nothing. It was so bad that we were burying Margie in a cardboard casket. The casket was closed at the funeral to save money on clothing for Margie by burying her in her favorite pajamas. At least, I wanted to look my best for the funeral. I didn’t know what to do.

When I was walking home, I saw a container that looked like a dumpster. There was a slotted opening, and above the slot it said “Clothing Here” with an arrow pointing down at the slot. I thought it would be hard to shop there because the entrance was narrow and required athletic abilities to negotiate. I climbed up anyway, and in I went.. I landed on a dead man. He was wearing a beautiful suit—just my size. It was black silk. I wrestled it off of him. I put the suit on. It, along with his shoes, were a perfect fit. I climbed out of “Clothes Here”and went home.

The funeral was beautiful. The kids looked like angels and I looked like a Mafia hit man. When I saw my reflection in a mirror, chills went down my spine and I did a little dance. My friend “Chainsaw Labatt” gave the eulogy. He is a professional wrestler and Margie was his biggest fan. He talked about tearing off death’s head and feeding it to ravens. It was beautiful.

My first day of work at the casino, I wore my suit. I was given an instant promotion. My new job is to watch for card counters at the blackjack tables. I have purchased four black silk suits. Even though I’m bitter about Margie’s death, things are slowly improving. Her shopping cart in the back yard has become home to a family of raccoons.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.