Prodiorthosis (pro-di-or-tho’-sis): A statement intended to prepare one’s audience for something shocking or offensive. An extreme example of protherapeia.

Good afternoon members of the press. Our lives typically run along more or less predictable lines. We get up. We go to work. We go home. Well, I am sad to say that today isn’t normal. President Donald John Trump has been kidnapped. He is being held hostage somewhere in San Francisco, California by people who have threatened “remove his pussy grabbing hands” if he does not pay $500 million in reparations to his sexual assault victims, prohibit his children from writing any more “piece of shit” books, and stop “most of his lying” to the American people. The kidnappers realize that President Trump may not be able to completely stop lying and are willing to allow him 5 lies per day (down from 22).

The United States government stands ready to do all it can to secure the President’s safe return. Some time next month the Coast Guard will fly around over San Francisco Bay, and the local Boy Scouts will undertake a vigilance campaign positioning themselves outside convenience stores and video arcades, twice a week from 3-5 pm.

If you know of anybody with $500 million, please inform Acting President Pence. He believes that private funding is appropriate in this case: “Mother thinks it would be wrong to use federal tax dollars to pay ransom, especially to people from San Francisco who have turned their backs on Jesus.”

So, members of the press. There you have it. But, as they say, “Every cloud has a silver lining.”

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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (

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