Distinctio

Distinctio (dis-tinc’-ti-o): Eliminating ambiguity surrounding a word by explicitly specifying each of its distinct meanings.

I was on my way to my monthly visit to Madame Legno. Her parents had named her “Legno” because she was born with half a leg—her right leg. She wore a beautiful hand-carved peg leg. It had the “Last Supper” carved on it along with a portrait of the Beatles and the Empire State Building. For an extra five dollars she would show it to me and let me touch it. I bought the peg leg tour every time I went to see her. Tonight, I had some special questions.

I asked her: “Will my car make it through the winter?” She answered: “Life is too short.” That was pretty straightforward. I would start looking for a “new” car. Next, I asked: “Will my wife get pregnant?” She said: “You have to break an egg to make an omelet.” I got it—it had something to do with sperm breaking through an ovum. I needed to take a supplement to make my sperm more aggressive. I had seen this stuff called “Dyno Seed” on the internet. The slogan was “Pump it up baby.” It had a picture of a sperm cell wearing a motorboat engine speeding up a fallopian tube. It was just what I needed. For $25o, it seemed like a good deal.

I was going away on a business trip for the weekend to Montreal. I was afraid my wife would fall out of love with me while I was gone. I was the most insecure person in the world. I’m pretty sure it’s kind of mental illness, that, like my Uncle Eddy, and six or seven other relatives, may induce me to duct tape her to a chair, or worse, drown her in the bathtub. So, I asked Madame Legno: “Does absence make the heart grow fonder?” She answered: “There will be a miss, but you will miss, and you will miss.” This the most vague, ambiguous and obscure answer that Madam Legno had ever given me. I was not allowed to ask for clarification. I had to figure it out on my own. “Miss” could mean an unmarried woman. “Miss” could mean wanting somebody who is absent. “Miss” could mean to fail to hit the mark. How could all three “misses” pertain to my question? It was vexing.

The next thing I knew I was on my business trip in Montreal. I was in a pub playing darts with a young woman and my wife had become a fading memory.

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu

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