Distributio (dis-tri-bu’-ti-o): (1) Assigning roles among or specifying the duties of a list of people, sometimes accompanied by a conclusion. (2) Sometimes this term is simply a synonym for diaeresis or merismus, which are more general figures involving division.
“Joe, you pick the pills up off the floor. Eddie, you bake a cake. Sly, you hit him in the face with that cast-iron skillet over there. Barbara, you put on a Bing Crosby CD and dance with me all night long.”
I was giving orders to my fantasy gang, Now that I was thirty-nine I had a total handle on how this went and why it went the way it did. Oh, there are three additional members of the gang that I forgot to mention. They all have nicknames: Blubber Maloney. He’s so fat he can hardly move, but he can unlock a door pretty much just by looking at it. Then, there’s Fidget Smith. He has severe ADHD. He looks around a lot and he needs a place to constantly pace around. He’s my cousin, so I let him use the hideout. In a weird way, it’s relaxing watching him pace. Last but not least is Flemmy Bonami. He has a serious case of post nasal drip. He clears his throat and blows his nose every ten minutes or so. He has what’s called “Full Spectrum Allergy Syndrome.” Flemmy is my driver. He keeps his handkerchief on the seat alongside him and can drive and blow his nose at the same time. We have outrun many a cop car together. He is invaluable.
I currently work as a high school janitor. I push around a big trashcan on wheels, sweep floors, mop floors, vacuum floors, and empty wastebaskets. Every once in a while, I steal something, mainly from the girls’ lockers. Last week I stole a red scrunchy and hung it on my apartment wall alongside six or seven others already hanging there. They look like little Christmas wreaths. Festive!
My gang is all I have to give me a sense of self worth. The gang is named the “Perky Spooners” to emphasize its appetite for life, good looks, and its romantic orientation—assets giving it “street cred” with other rival gangs. I make up “missions” for the gang each week. They involve things like grocery shopping, paying bills, working in the yard, cleaning the house, cooking, etc..
Barbara is my own true love. She looks like a big Barbie doll. We’ve been together for a really long time. Sometimes she flits around, and was unfaithful to me once. It was with “College Carl.” I caught them having sex under my bed. I murdered College Carl and threw his body in the river behind where I live. He deserved it. I want to marry Barbara, but like the rest of my crew, she doesn’t really exist. I’m trying to find a real girl named Barbara. So far, no luck. I’m thinking of kidnapping a woman named Barbara and being real nice to her. Then, I’ll ask her to marry me. I believe this is a good idea. One of the teachers at my school is named Barbara. Maybe I’ll kidnap her!
Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu.
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