Eustathia

Eustathia (yoos-tay’-thi-a): Promising constancy in purpose and affection.

I don’t know why she insisted I be faithful to her “forever.” I didn’t think I’d be around forever. I would die some day, and that would put the nix on “forever.” Accordingly, I thought it was really insincere to tell her I’d love her forever. I wanted to put our relationship on a firm and honest foundation. So, I told her I loved her more than anything, but I couldn’t promise to lover her forever.

She said, “Tony, you might as well have driven a stake into my heart. I’ll have to convert you.”

Then, I started to think: a stake in her heart, immortality, dress like Stevie Nix, musty smell, sleeps all day. Maybe she was a Racoon hunter, out late at night with her hound dogs. Maybe her smell came from working in a cheese factory or a Burger King. Maybe her dress was something she picked up at the Salvation Army Family Store. I got my ragged pants there, so I could understand hee tattered dress.

Then it hit me, and hit me hard! Stake in the heart! Forever=Immortality!

Holy shit. Mary was a goddamn vampire—a night stalking, blood sucking demon monster of the night. I was repulsed, but I couldn’t stop loving her. I was willing to go all the way and do whatever I had to do to become immortal, so we could love each other forever. I didn’t believe in vampires, but I believed in Mary. I was ready to step over the threshold into the world of the nightly blood-sucking assault of innocent people. I was ready to become purely evil for the love of Mary.

We were to meet in a crypt that night to consummate our love as Mary sucked my blood and made into a vampire like her. It was the crypt of Colonel Canon, a Union Civil War Hero. Canon’s casket was flat. Mary told me to lie on it and pull down my pants, and she would bite my neck to “get things going.”

I was confused. I asked her why I had to pull my pants down. She said “We’re going to have sex.” I thought, “Wow! This is even better than I thought it would be!” I noticed Mary’s vampire fangs were glowing in the dark. She pulled them out. They were plastic!

She was a fake vampire.

In a way, I was relieved. I really didn’t want to live in a dark basement, drink blood and never go out in the sun again. I was satisfied being mortal. You know, playing corn hole, going fishing, barbecuing, going to the mall, etc.

So, I didn’t rebuke Mary for her vampire ruse. It was pretty exciting. I love Mary’s musty smell. she works all day, even on the weekends, so we can only see each other at night. I‘d think she was actually a real vampire if it wasn’t for the fake teeth.

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.