Graecismus

Graecismus (gree-kis’-mus): Using Greek words, examples, or grammatical structures. Sometimes considered an affectation of erudition.

“The meticulous utlization of his parsmonious idealizations cut through the je ne sais quoi permeating his quotidian demeanor.” This excerpt is taken from the saddest book ever written: “Pineapple On Pizza.” No matter what language it is translated into, it makes people cry, many of whom attempt suicide. Many people say it reminds them of a bleak anguish- and anomie-inducing tribute to “What is Wrong With Everything.”

Two characters are featured in the novel: Leonardo Pastenelli and Jane Doe. Leonardo’s family has been in the pizza business for 370 years. Jane comes from New Jersey where she had a lot of Italian friends. Leonardo is one of them.

Leonardo folds pizza boxes in his brother’s pizzaria, “Lorenzo’s Pizza.” Guido sees his box folding as a kind of Italian origami. No matters how many boxes he folds, he feels artistically fulfilled. Every time he finishes folding a box he yells “Machiavelli’s mother!” and stands up and grabs his wallet from his back pocket and holds up it to his forehead. Lorenzo had a few “talks” with Leonardo about his “bad habit” but he didn’t listen. Besides, the customers had started to look forward to it, clapping and cheering for Leonardo and sometimes chanting “Village idiot!” Leonardo was ecstatic with the attention he received and told Lorenzo he wanted a reduction in pay to make up for his joy. Lorenzo put Leonardo in the local mental institution “County Insane Asylum.”

This is where Leonardo met Jane Doe. He wandered into the morgue where she was lying on a gurney with a name tag on her big toe and a bullet hole in her chest. When Leonardo looked her he realized he had been having dreams about her ever since he was a little boy.

This is where the story becomes totally spellbinding, with no wiggle room,

Leonardo yells “Machiavelli’s mother!” and Jane sits up on her gurney. Leonardo brought her out of a coma that had been mistaken by doctors as death. The doctors are confused. Jane smells like she’s been dead for a month, curled up on the ground somewhere in a warm climate. There are were even some maggots congregating around her eye sockets!

Leonardo brushes off the maggots and kisses Jane. Two of her teeth fall out and Guido wraps them in his handkerchief.

Leonardo decides he and Jane are going to escape from the County Insane Asylum and maybe open their own pizza parlor. But first, he must ask Jane how she ended up in the County Insane Asylum. She hesitates and then she opens up to him: “I was a serial . . .”

POSTSCRIPT

I’m sorry. I can’t write any more. I am crying. You’ll have to buy a copy of “Pineapple On Pizza” to find out how the story plays out. For your own safety and mental health, you should probably walk away from “Pineapple On Pizza” right now and never think about it ever again.

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.