Metabasis (me-ta’-ba-sis): A transitional statement in which one explains what has been and what will be said.
“So far, I’ve told you about my secret life. I’m pretty sure I can’t trust you to keep your mouth shut, but I had to tell you about it so our relationship can be based on truth. Next, I’m going to review a few of the horrible things I’ll do to you if you tell anybody what I’ve told you: 1. Burn you alive, 2. Throw you off a cliff, 3. Cut you up with my chain saw, 4. Throw you out of a helicopter, 5.Electrocute you, 6. Freeze you to death in a walk-in freezer, 7. Put you in a tub full of battery acid.
There are five is six more things I could do to you, but these seven are the best. They inflict the most suffering and they’re all lethal. If you can think of any more, let me know and I’ll add them to the list!
Why at are you crying? You’re tied to a big comfy chair and you haven’t had an opportunity to disclose my secret life to anybody. You’re as safe as a little bird in a cage, for the time being I guess.
Oh —pain in the ass. Somebody’s ringing my door bell. I guess I’ll go answer it.
It was your mother. She had the nerve to accuse me of kidnapping you. I invited her in and pushed her down basement stairs. So much for her accusations. I apologize for killing your mother, but what other choice did I have? My pet crocodile that lives in the basement will take care of her—they’ll even eat her clothes!
Ok, now that you are aware of ‘consequences’ I’m going to turn you loose. Make sure to add to the list of unmentionables my murder of your mother.”
“Oh Carl. You are the treasure of my heart, the crown of my love, the icing on my cake!” said Penny. “Oh Penny! This is looking pretty good. You may be the first woman willing to honor my wishes and stay alive.” Penny got ahold of Carl’s chainsaw. Her father had shown he how to use a chainsaw when she was 12. Carls was shaking all over and peed his pants as Penny approached him. He begged and cowered . while she cranked up the saw. She took off his head with one quick swipe. It thudded when it hit the floor. She threw his headless corpse down the basement stairs where the crocodiles would take care of him.
Then she thought of all the ridiculous things Carl threatened to do to her. They did scare the hell out of her, but she was going to tell people about Carl’s secret life anyway. Most of the “secrets” were laughable and signs of Carl’s madness. For example, he liked smelling his dirty socks, eating his boogers, grabbing woman’s asses at the mall, peeping into his neighbor’s windows, sticking Crisco-coated writing implements and Tonka trucks up his ass, and when his dog pees on the carpet Carls rubs his own nose in it.
Taken together, these activities add up to lunacy. Penny was right to cut off Carl’s head.
Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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