Metaphor (met’-a-phor): A comparison made by referring to one thing as another.
I had a purée of nuts and bolts resting in a bucket in my garage. I had been running them through the bolt grinder I had invented two days ago. Although they were metal they are smooth as silk. I don’t know why I invented the bolt grinder. I think I was off my nut. I go off and on my nut, sometimes on a daily basis—off my nut drifting in a sea of uncertainty, a leaky barge following the tide toward the rocks. But then, I recover, repaired a whole wearing my nut like a crown.
I am a professional inventor, and this how it goes. When I invented the tinsel bird nest, I went so far off my nut I almost never came back! I went bananas! That’s right! Bananas! I was surrounded by bananas wearing condoms line dancing to Dolly Parton singing a song about lonely weasels playing corn hole on a rooftop in Texas. It scared the total shit out of me, but I continued on. The rinsed bird nest was gauge hit. People put hard-boiled eggs in them and used them to decorate their Christmas trees. I became “the my tinsel bird nest guy” and did fairs and conventions with “the my pillow guy.” We parted ways when he tried to smother one of my bird nests with one of his pillows. I also found out that they weren’t “his” pillows. They were manufactured in Venezuela and often filled with cocaine smuggled into America. I turned him in, He was arrested and is serving 5 years in a federal penitentiary.
After the nuts and bolts, my next project is edible clothing. Just think: it’s dinner time. You take off your shirt, roll it into a ball, dampen it in the sink, and microwave it on high for a couple of minutes. You smell roast chicken. You pull your shirt out of the microwave, cut it into equal portions, add mashed potatoes, stove top stuffing, and gravy and eat! The shirts come in an array of delicious meals and are so cheap you can eat them every night if you wish. Also, there are underpants that make cakes and pies! Just think, pumpkin underpants pie for Thanksgiving!
My first invention was a fermented shark filter. Fermented sharks stinks more than any edible in the world, but it tastes very very good. The fermented shark filter is u-shaped and fits in the nostrils. It has foam rubber inserts permeated with lavender juice. If the stench becomes too great while you’re eating the shark, you give the nose plugs a light squeeze. Easy and effective!
My biggest failure was a kind of glue to hold up peoples’ pants in lieu of a belt, elastic, or suspenders. The glue was really strong and it tore off pieces of flesh when people pulled their pants down. I had so many lawsuits that I had to declare bankruptcy. But now I’m back! I think things through and anticipate pitfalls. It’ll take me awhile to figure out what to do with the puréed nuts and bolts, but I’m tending toward filling capsules with it and selling it as a supplement, as “Iron Girders.” Otherwise, I’ll just stay off my nut—toasted and cracked. Ha ha!
Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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