Metaplasm

Metaplasm (met’-a-plazm): A general term for orthographical figures (changes to the spelling of words). This includes alteration of the letters or syllables in single words, including additions, omissions, inversions, and substitutions. Such changes are considered conscious choices made by the artist or orator for the sake of eloquence or meter, in contrast to the same kinds of changes done accidentally and discussed by grammarians as vices (see barbarism). See: antisthecon, aphaeresis, apocope, epenthesis, paragoge, synaloepha.

The wa-wa tumbled over the cliff making a beautiful wa-wa fall. It crashed on the rocks 100 feet below. When I was a toddler my mother taught me to call water “wa-wa.” She would say “Drink your wa-wa Johnny so you can be big and strong.” I’m 28 and I’m not big and strong and I routinely embarrass myself by calling water wa-wa. For example, in a bar ordering a whiskey and wa-wa. Or, more wa-wa in a restaurant, or a bottled wa-wa at Cliff’s I always thought of George Harrison’s “wah-wah” pedal when I was drinking a glass of wa-wa and wished I could play the guitar like him. I tried. I started saying “It’s me wah-wah bloke.” It didn’t work. People just looked at me and shook their heads.

Then, I found out I was suffering from “Baby Speak;” the fixation on baby talk. For example sufferers would say “potty” instead of toilet, or “tootyburger” instead of poop, or “choo choo” instead of train, or “ba ba” instead of bottle. When I looked at the list of words, I realized I said choo-choo and ba-ba all the time. Wa-wa wasn’t my only vice. I needed help!

I Googled my malady and found a doctor in North Carolina. Almost immediately, I took a choo-choo to Raleigh. I was greeted by Doctor Ima Bigboy at the choo-choo station. My therapy consisted in living in a hospital maternity ward for one month. Dr. Bigboy called it “aversion therapy.” I would get so sick of hearing baby talk that I would stop using it. After a month, I was clear.

Dr. Bigboy charged Mr $10,000, but it was worth it. My life is completely different. I have friends and a girlfriend named Barbara. I call her “Ba-Ba” for short.

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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