Paraprosdokian: A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase [or series = anticlimax] is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe the first part. . . . For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. An especially clever paraprosdokian not only changes the meaning of an early phrase, but also plays on the double meaning of a particular word.(1)
I was toasting and I wasn’t drinking my ass off and saluting a friend. I was standing in front of a huge fireplace and my boots melted to the floor. I was stuck. I was toasting. My pants were smoking and my hair smelled like it was burning. I was toasting. I could’ve used a drink!
I pulled my feet out of my boots and backed away from the blaze. My boots went up in flames. I ran my hand across my head—it was bald. My pants were still smoking. I watched my boots burn—Blundstones. They cost me over $200.
I was at my friend Princess Argonza’s home/castle. I had never see a walk-in fireplace before. I didn’t know you were supposed to stay eight feet away of the fire. The servant wore an asbestos suit when he stoked the blaze, throwing the huge logs/small trees from three feet away. Now I know how Argonza’s brother had managed to kill himself in the fireplace. It would’ve been impossible in my 3×4 fireplace. Argonza’s fireplace was 10×12! It’s true that her brother had a petrol-soaked Gucci handkerchief tied around his neck, but he didn’t need it. He was despondent over his acne. None of the anti-blemish cremes worked, so he killed himself. I thought that was a pretty trivial reason for suicide. But who am I? I do not live in his skin. But, I still think he was mentally imbalanced, like his sister.
Whenever I visited, first we’d go to the playroom and ride rocking horses—which were stuffed ponies. We would get alongside of each other, starting slowly and rocking faster and faster until Argonza made little squealing sounds, looked at me with glazed eyes, and jumped off her pony, staggering a little. Next, we would play with paper dolls. All of them looked like Argonza. It was bizarre. She would stack them up and pound her fist on them yelling “Stop looking at me that way!” Then we would burn them in the Royal Fireplace. Then I realized one of the paper dolls was an effigy of her brother! It had a cigarette burn through its heart. She folded it carefully and put it in her shirt pocket like a handkerchief, with his head sticking out. After that, we went to the study. She put the folded effigy of her brother between the pages of “Moby Dick.” She looked at me and told me she liked the word “dick.” It made her want to ride her pony beside me.
I thanked her for her hospitality—the pony ride and the paper dolls. I told her I was sorry about her brother’s suicide. She begged me to stay for dinner. She wouldn’t tell me what was for dinner, but I agreed anyway. I think it was a mistake. We had “leg.” She wouldn’t tell me what animal it came from. For a second, I thought it might be her brother’s leg, but that was too terrible to believe. or even think about. The “leg” was delicious. It tasted like really tender roast pork.
We had a great time. We rode the ponies again, and I went home. I think I am in love. I can’t stop thinking about Argonza. She’s different.
Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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