Paroemia

Paroemia (pa-ri’-mi-a): One of several terms describing short, pithy sayings. Others include adage, apothegm, gnome, maxim, proverb, and sententia.

“That’s the way the wind blows.” This was of my best sayings. It means the wind blows in some direction because that’s what it does. I made it up when my car ran out of gas on the Jersey Turnpike. It was something that “just happened” like the wind blowing that way. At some point later on, I realized it was actually my fault. but it was too late. I had coined the saying and I was already using it for other things like the tree that fell on my little brother and put him in a wheelchair, and the earthquake that pretty much knocked my house down.

Then, I realized my saying was a lot like “That’s the way the cookie crumbles.” I was so embarrassed, but nobody called me on it. I realized that nobody gave a shit about my insightful and edifying sayings—nobody ever quoted me or even said “wow” when I ripped one off. I decided to go for memorable sayings that would make people pay attention and even say “Wow!” But still, they had to come from my experience.

I saw a squished squirrel in the road. There was a lesson there somewhere that I had to capture in a saying. I thought and I thought. Then, I got it! “Guts and fur, and a fluffy tail tell a story of travail.” Brilliant! People can use this when they struggle and fail, or when somebody they know struggles and fails and even dies! It would by good in a eulogy—the “fluffy tail” may even elicit some head nodding and somber laughter. I was back on track.

Then it hit me: “Gone too soon, but never forgotten.” Pithy. Better than my squirrel. Damn. I had done it again. I was not going to give up.

The next day, I came up with “Take break and sniff the fumes.” My girlfriend was crying over her spilled nail polish on the kitchen floor where she had dropped the open bottle when I goosed her. It was a stupid thing to do, but it was part of our foreplay ritual—a squeeze on the ass. She was cleaning it up with nail polish remover, scrubbing away. That’s when I told he to take break and smell the fumes. Nail polish fumes smell really good.

Two weeks later I was in a big hurry to get to work, running around the house like a chicken with its head cut off, and my mother said “Stop and smell the roses, son.” iI instantly realized it was a replay of my. “Take a break and smell the fumes.” I had done it again! I anguished and then I came up with an apt saying: “When the meat gets tough, the though use steak knives.” I could see myself cutting through my latest woes with a ten-inch steak knife. My mother was now in the hospital and my father was in prison. I would use my steak knife saying so they would see how I was toughing it out—making thin chewable slices out of my pain.

Half the people I used my steak knife saying with, snorted like they were trying not to laugh. This wasn’t what I wanted—far from it. I wanted them telling me how admirable my insight and emotional resilience were. Until one of my friends said: I know how you feel: “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” I was devastated. I said “Yes” quietly and went home.

I thought, I have the same wit and humor as these old sayings, but they’ve been around for hundreds of years. They’re better than mine too—stylistically. I decided then and there to give up coining sayings. That was it. I was beat. I decided to coin one-liners instead—to become a comedian.

I went to the “Henny Youngman Funny Institute.” We study all one-liners all the time: 24/7. “You think that’s funny, you should see my dorm room.” “Today we had lynch in the cafeteria. They hung the cook.” “My teacher is so fat, his butt whistles while he works.” “I did my laundry on high. The agitator hallucinated.”

In three moths I’m making my debut at “Angry Bastards Comedy Club.” My teacher told me not take it personally if I get hit on the head by an axe handle, shot in the leg by a small caliber handgun, or receive a cheap plastic trophy.

I can’t wait!

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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