Proverb

Proverb: One of several terms describing short, pithy sayings. Others include adage, apothegm, gnome, maxim, paroemia, and sententia.

When I was growing up I had the weird good fortune of a mother who spoke in proverbs, or at least what sounded like proverbs. For example, on my birthday she would say “May you age like a fine cheddar cheese my son.” I had never heard of “cheddar cheese” before, so I went to the grocery store to track it down. I bought a small wedge of “aged” cheddar. I took it home and unwrapped in my bedroom. I sniffed it and it smelled like my butt when I needed a shower. I didn’t want to smell like an unwashed butt as I went through life. I did not know what to do, so I let it drop. It was just a question of butt hygiene. I pursued it assiduously—ha, ha. I made my mother buy perfumed toilet paper and I took two showers per day—morning and bedtime.

Once, my mother said “Let sleeping dogs lie.” First, I was shocked to hear that dogs can talk. And what’s worse, that we should not require them to tell the truth. The big takeaway for me was that they would be asleep when they told lies! I thought my mother had flipped out. Then, I remembered that our dog twitched and whined when it was asleep. He was very sneaky, so he was probably a liar. Mom would yell “Shut up!” at Pindar when he whined and twitched. It was quite possible that Mom knew dog talk, and Pindar was saying distasteful things and needed to be silenced.

When she gambled online, Mom would say “The sky is the limit.” I asked my astronomy teacher if this was true. His name was Mr. Polaris. He was really fat and all the kids called him “The Big Dipper.” He knew about it and liked it. He had Mr. Hammer, the metal shop teacher, make him a giant ladle—he called “My Big Dipper” and hung it above the blackboard at the front of classroom.

Anyway, he told me the sky was not the limit—it was limitless. Poor Mom. She was mistaken. She hardly ever won at gambling. Maybe her misconception of the sky’s limit was the cause of her massive losses. Our car had been repossessed the week before. It wasn’t much of a car—a 1998 blue Dodge: a former police car that still had the police logo on the doors: three black boots standing on a rabbit’s neck. It said “Spindlesplint Police. United We Stand.” So, I told Mom what I had learned about the sky. She yelled “Get out you nitwit.” I was stunned and angered by my mother’s closed mindedness.

I would show her I wasn’t a nitwit. I would clean the swimming pool. “Cleanliness is next to godliness” I said as I looked into the pool. It was full of leaves. I got a garden rake and starting raking out the pool. The ines on the rake tore holes in the pool’s vinyl liner. Water started gushing out of the ground at the end of the pool. The pool drained in about 10 minutes.

I ran away from home to escape my mother’s wrath. I’m living in a dog kennel in Florida. In the little room behind the run, I’m quite comfortable. I have a box filled with straw and a water dish and a food dish. Mr. Boxer advertises the kennels as “Dog-Gone Good Little Homes.” I have a job picking up litter on the “Ringling Estate.” I have a stick with a nail on the end and a big shoulder bag for the litter. I almost lost my job when I stabbed a squirrel.

I am happy here. My parents are glad to be rid of me. By the way, Mom hit the lotto for $1,000,000. I sent her a text message that said “Quit while you’re ahead.” She texted me back “Leave me alone!” Maybe she didn’t understand the proverb I sent her.

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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