Abating

Abating: English term for anesis: adding a concluding sentence that diminishes the effect of what has been said previously. The opposite of epitasis (the addition of a concluding sentence that merely emphasizes what has already been stated. A kind of amplification).

Spence was one of the smartest people I knew, but he smelled strongly of Brussels Sprouts and rotten eggs. It was bizarre. He had invented a new kind of glue—“Loopy Glue.” He put a drop on the roof of a Cadillac and lowered a junkyard magnet (turned off) to the roof. Then, he lifted the car ten feet into the air, using only “Loopy Glue.” The only problem was if you got the glue on your fingers they would be permanently glued together. Loopy Glue came with gloves, but if you didn’t wear them, woe unto you.

His second greatest accomplishment was genetically modified watermelons. At 6 tons, they were organic whoppers. Hollowed out, they made housing suitable for poor people. The watermelons’ rinds were engineered to last a lifetime. There is a watermelon housing tract near where I live. It is named “Meadowbridge Melon Park.” All the melon homes look exactly alike. That causes problems when residents come home drunk, or are suffering from the beginning stages of dementia, and go to the wrong house. But, there’s only been one death due to mistaken identity, and it was spousal. So, it was written off as “familial woes” and forgotten.

Now, Spence is working on something he calls “Brown Tooth.” It is a wireless suppository that monitors your colon. It transmits information on your “Fart Watch,” a mechanism you wear on your wrist that is humorously named for the flatulence that, among other things, your “Brown Tooth” monitors.

In addition to sounds, the “Brown Tooth” live streams rectal imagery to the “Fart Watch.” It comes with a booklet explaining the streamed images for the purpose of self-diagnosis. The major down-side to “Brown Tooth” is charging it. You have to wind the charger’s wire around your finger and probe around until you find the Brown Tooth’s charging socket. If you don’t mind paying extra, you will be able to get a charger with a tiny camera and light. Even though it will cost extra, it is far superior to poking blind.

Someday, Spence will surely hit it big. So far, the only real success he’s had are his origami chopstick rests. They come in an envelope on the table prior to the meal. The customer removes the unfolded origami from the envelope and following the instructions on the back of the envelope, folds the paper into a swan that the she or he can rest their chopsticks on. Recently, there has been a spin-off. The envelopes have been made into tags for gifts—the origami is an additional “surprise” in the envelope/tag. It remains to be seen how successful this will be. Maybe, if the tag has a discount coupon inside, it will become popular.

Anyway, even though he literally smells how hell probably smells, it is amazing to have Spence as a friend. If he didn’t stink, he would be the perfect buddy.

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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