Affirmatio (af’-fir-ma’-ti-o): A general figure of emphasis that describes when one states something as though it had been in dispute or in answer to a question, though it has not been.
“I know you all want help believing what you should believe: there is a twist in life’s plot. You go through life eating cake, riding your expensive lawn mower and cheating on your wife—the “holy grail” for normal, well-balanced males. I know you want it. I know you need it. I know you love it. It’s no lie: you men have running tabs at “Humps” the premier cheatareia out on Rte 22. You can’t fool me. I might see you at the liquor store with a woman waiting in your car. In fact, I did see you at the liquor store with my wife in your car: YOU! Joe Smeezewap!”
Things started to heat up—all the blabbing so far was a preface. Mr. Melanon was going to blow—no more hiding behind hypothetical meandering clap-trap.
Melanon: “What the hell were you up to with my wife at “Humps” Smeezewap?“
Smeezewap: “None of your beeswax.”
Melanon: “See this? I’m going to taser your ass until it goes up in flames!”
Smeezewap: “Not so fast asshole! This pen can poke you full of holes—one for each time I plugged your wife at Humps. Ha! Ha!”
They fought hand to had—taser vs. pen. They grunted and pushed back and forth. The taser wasn’t charged and was useless. Smeezewap poked Melanon several times with his pen. He had gotten from Stateside Savings and Loan when he bought his new car. He had no idea of the utility that the pen afforded beyond writing and stabbing. Now, he was already thinking that it would make a great mini-rolling pin or even a powdery substance shorter.
He shoved the pen in Melanon one last time and took off. He was going to run home to kill his cheating wife before the police showed up looking for him. The time was right for the long-postponed murder of his wife who he knew had been cheating with the flea laden dog Melanon. When he got home his wife was already lying on the floor dead with a bleeding dent in her head. Mayor Dimford was standing over her in his underpants holding a bloody fireplace poker.
Smeezewap: “Mayor Dimford! You’ve killed my wife.”
Mayor Dimford: “You’re damn right. She knew too many secrets. She had to go. Now it’s your turn! Bye bye Smeezy!”
Smeezewap: “The hell it is Dimshit!”
Smeezewap shoved his complimentary pen straight into Mayor Dimford’s heart. It sprayed blood all over him and he ran upstairs to take a shower. That’s when the police showed up. They pulled him out of the shower and asked him if he had killed anybody. He said “No” that he had been taking shower since 8:00 am and didn’t hear or see anything aside from water running and the soap and washcloth slopping around. The police told him to finish his shower—he was off the hook. His alibi was “watertight.” Ha Ha!
People wonder why Smeezewap has his complementary pen framed and sitting on the fireplace mantle.
His wife’s #3 boyfriend was charged with the murders. He was extremely jealous and was seen brandishing a complimentary pen at Home Depot inscribed with the “Humps” logo, signing a sales contract for a snow blower. He was arrested, tried, and convicted of murder. He pointed the finger at Smeezewap, but everybody just laughed, including the judge.
Smeezewap bought Humps and enjoyed ruining peoples’ marriages.
Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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