Bomphiologia

Bomphiologia (bom-phi-o-lo’-gi-a): Exaggeration done in a self-aggrandizing manner, as a braggart.

I made the first footprint on the Oregon Trail. I can remember all my incarnations and they’re pretty great. I was the first human to climb New York’s Bear Mountain. I climbed it with two bears on their way to a blueberry patch. Actually, I rode one of the bears up the mountain. We had a great time picking blueberries and swapping tales about our exploits. Back then, bears could talk. I don’t know when they lost the ability, but it’s a shame. One bear told the story of getting his head stuck in a fire bucket for a week. He lost weight and the bucket fell off his head as his head slimmed down. The other bear told about being in a circus as “Ralph the Tame Bear.” However, he wasn’t so tame and mauled his master. He ran away and wandered around the Catskills for a couple of years. He specialized in picnic robbing and became obese eating cakes, pies, roasted chickens, potato salad, and other picnic fare.

He had a wake-up call with a mild heart attack and became a vegetarian. It wasn’t easy living in the woods and being a vegetarian. But, he persisted and managed to shed 50 pounds and became known as “Mr. Svelte Pelt.” He had more mates than anybody in the history of bearhood. Half the bears on Bear Mountain are related to him (so he says). He introduced me to one of his daughters—Bearnice. She was digging grubs by the side of the trail. She offered me one and I declined. She started singing a song I sang when I was a kid: “The bear went over the mountain, the bear went over the mountain so see what he could see. He saw another mountain. . .” I joined in and relived some wonderful memories when I sang that song with our family’s maid. We always laughed when she showed me her mountains and bounced them up and down in my face. I missed that so much. It was too bad when she got fired. I cried for two days.

Anyway, we arrived at the blueberry patch and picked and gobbled, picked and gobbled. It was great fun. I was covered with blueberry juice. We finished up and started down the mountain. The trip was uneventful, except, some campers saw me walking with the bears and hailed me like I was a God. Since I was the first person ever to climb Bear Mountain, and I was with bears, they named it Bear Mountain and made me a crown of Trillium.

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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