Deesis

Deesis (de’-e-sis): An adjuration (solemn oath) or calling to witness; or, the vehement expression of desire put in terms of “for someone’s sake” or “for God’s sake.”

“For God’s sake. Stop humming! You are driving me crazy. If you don’t stop humming, I ‘m going to tear out your tongue.!” He ignored her. His humming wasn’t even a song. It was random sounds with no tune. It was like listening to her stomach rumble in the morning before her daily bowel movement. It was grotesque. It was maddening. She flew over the edge.

It was the most horrendous crime ever committed in Parkerville. His tongue was floating in the toilet. His head was split open like a cantaloupe ready for breakfast. There was a recording of his random humming playing on her cellphone. When the police heard the recording and her story, they chalked up what she had done to self defense and let her go.

After she washed off the blood, she headed out to dinner at Marty’s Big Spoon. When she walked in, the other patrons saw that she was alone. “Hummer” wasn’t with her. They gave her a standing ovation for what she had done. With his incessant humming her boyfriend had been an irritant everywhere he went. It was humorous the way the other patrons raised their butter knives and made slashing figures in the air.

She wrote a book titled “He Really Bothered Me.” It told the lengthy story of how she became unable to “take it” any more. Killing your partner for becoming exceedingly irritating became the go-to remedy for bad relationships. Violins were doused in gasoline, ignited and stuffed down pants, Kiss CDs were smashed and used to slit throats, Hamsters were packed with explosives and detonated on top of partners’ heads. These are just a few examples of the homicidal coping strategies developed and enacted across the USA.

As the irritating perpetrators were being disposed of by their murders, a lovely tranquility settled into Parkerville and other towns a cities. For the cost of a burial and a couple of bullets you could rid your life of tension, stress, and frustration.

The wedding vow “Until death do us part” took on new meaning. It was more of a warning than a promise.

Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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