Diazeugma (di-a-zoog’-ma): The figure by which a single subject governs several verbs or verbal constructions (usually arranged in parallel fashion and expressing a similar idea); the opposite of zeugma.
The crows were cawing, crapping, and crashing. It had to be some kind of crow plague infecting the flock. I thought the worst symptom of their demise was their crapping. The crow crap was so thick I had the scrape it off my windshield with an ice scraper. Inevitably when I was scraping, I would hear cawing and the crap would rain down. No matter what the weather was, I started carrying an umbrella and wearing a raincoat wherever I went—I called it a “Crow Crap Coat.”
Nobody knew the origins of the Crows’ “shit and die disease.” The Department of Health told us it wasn’t really happening, and if it was it was due to the “fact” that the crows had been vaccinated against polio by a “rouge” Department of Health employee.
This person, unknown to the general public, was being hunted by bear trackers from Montana. The department of health had put up posters without pictures of the culprit offering a $500.00 reward for his/her capture or “removal from this incarnation.” As soon as the reward was posted, people came out of the woodwork carrying weapons from Boy Scout single-shot .22 target rifles to hand grenades. Many innocent people were killed or wounded, but the Department of Health insisted we were on track to getting the rogue vaccinator. It was doubtful.
A man was seen on a bus with a syringe. He was shot 42 times. Sadly, it turned out he was a diabetic who was having an insulin episode on the bus. Nevertheless, The Department of Health congratulated the buses’ passengers on their vigilance and “clear” disposing of the “potential” vaccinator. Luckily, his six-year old daughter will survive her wounds. Father and daughter were on their way to the zoo for her special birthday treat.
Oh my God! The crows are coming back to life! They’re wriggling around, standing, taking off, cawing, flocking, and flying in circles.
No more shitting and crashing! No more innocent people killed! No more Director of the Department of Public Health. He was judged to be insane by a government commission. Also, his credentials were severely lacking. He knew nothing about medicine. When he was confirmed, “placing a flesh-colored bandaid” on his knee, and taking laxatives and OxyContin “recreationally” were accepted as significant medical experience by the Congressional panel.
Hearings are underway now to select a new Director of the Department of Public health. I’m betting on the shaman from the Amazon River Basin or Doogie Schnauser the 12-year-old brain surgeon from New Jersey.
An underfunded and inappropriately short-lived study found nothing regarding the crows’ malady. The scientists kept saying “Give us another week.” They were given another week and they failed to find anything. They were censured by Congress and exiled to South Texas where they have been put to work “pounding salt.”
Does anybody care?
We don’t think so. The crows are flying again. All is forgotten. I do understand that a documentary, “They Shit and Then They Fell,” is in the works and will be in theaters in January 2026. Threats have been made on the movies’ trained crows. It is suspected that “Big Bobby Jr.” the disgraced Director of the Department of Health, is responsible for the threats. He has escaped from the “Mental Health Bosom 42DD” government facility and is reported assembling a group of like-minded mental cases to “set things straight.” Big Bobby Jr. is currently being hunted by dog packs and will most likely be torn to pieces soon.
So, the new hit song, “Fly Crows Fly,” does not even mention Big Bobby Jr., instead, it is about the crows excusing themselves while they “kiss the sky.” This is a tribute to their innocence and a paean to their love of the sky.
I have written an ode to the crows: Fly crows fly! Your hearts are pure! Your sleek black wings slice the sky. At night you roost in mystic murders and see the stars. Heads cocked you sleep like angels on softly swaying branches.
Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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