Horismus (hor-is’-mus): Providing a clear, brief definition, especially by explaining differences between associated terms.
Llife is not death. Up is not down. At the same time, death is not life and down is not up, hut.”These are the kinds of things I said when I was on the high school football team. I had a burning inferno of desire to make my mark as Crystal Valley’s high school quarterback. I wanted to give the team something to think about when the center snapped the ball. It would distract the team and I would often fumble the snap leading to a turn-over that lost the game.
A few of my favorites were: “In the valley of the blind, the one-eyed man is king, hut,” “It’s down at the end of lonely street, it’s heartbreak hotel, hut,” “The answer my friend is blowin’ in the wind, but.” These were mega-distractorators. After I said “hut” the team would sit down in a contemplative posture, pick a blade of grass, and stare at it. Before they could put it down, the opposing team would trample them, grab my fumble, and score.
Nobody ever caught on. I was working for Tony Squingili. He ran all North Jersey’s betting operations. Our high school football games were his biggest book. He made enough off them to spend winters in Florida at his bungalow on Bird Key in Sarasota. I made one grand per game and gave forty dollars to each team member. I kept the rest for myself.
Cheating as a lifestyle had been drummed into my head when I was a kid. My father was an accountant. I used to hang out when he met with his clients and “cheat,” “cheating,” “cheated,” and “cheater” were repeated over and over by my father. All the men he worked for drove Cadillacs. So, I thought anything with “cheat” in it was the road to success. So far, it was true. I cheated on tests. I cheated at cards. I cheated at dice. I cheated on my girlfriend. I cheated at hide and seek. I even managed to cheat at horseshoes and ping pong!
I went to law school and became a criminal defense attorney. Guess what? I specialized in cheaters. In my closing argument I’d use my quarterback trick to throw off juries, and it worked. My big problem was with wives. I had been divorced seven times due to cheating. It was a compulsion stemming from my work. I hired a wife-cheating minder to follow me around and make sure I didn’t cheat. I fell in love with her and cheated on my 8th wife, and got divorced. Now, I’m married to my minder as wife number nine. She even follows me into the men’s room, like I’m gonna’ have an affair while I’m taking a leak. But, we’ve been married for five years and have a little girl we nicknamed “Queenie.”
It’s inconvenient, but having my wife as my cheating minder works. I’m am grateful.
Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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