Prolepsis (pro-lep’-sis): (1) A synonym for procatalepsis [refuting anticipated objections]; (2) speaking of something future as though already done or existing. A figure of anticipation.
What about it? Rev. Bilk told us last week that the end is near, and if we can’t dance a jig while speaking in tongues, we will be the first to go to Hell. In my mind the Raptures are here—I’m going down though, not up. I’m taking an elevator ride to Hell where I will spend eternity on a barbecue spit roasting over the fires of hell, screaming in agony and being slathered by an cackling imp with “Cardinal Newman’s Own Satanic Sauce.”
I can’t jig and I can’t speak in tongues, but Rev. Bilk has a home study course that he guarantees will provide eternal salvation by teaching me these two essential skills. It is titled “Dancing With Your Tongue.” Rev. Bilk says the $2,000 book is based on a holy manuscript he “discovered” in the Holy Land when he was there with his ministerial assistant Glenda, who he had a saintly relationship with which permitted them to lie down together in green pastures fearing no evil. They found the manuscript in “Shlomo’s Joke Shop” in Bethlehem. It was damaged, but he bought it anyway. Shlomo thought it was a joke, but the Rev. Bilk knew it was a stairway to heaven.
It had many exercises. For example, to facilitate learning how to speak in tongues, you were encouraged to go to the dentist and receive multiple injections of novocaine. As your tongue went numb and you lost control of it, you simulated speaking in tongues. It was fantastic. I sounded like a saint! After I had been to the dentist for my weekly injection, “Oogalogoo mormajog” was what I said to a police officer when I got pulled over for a broken taillight. He was about to arrest me when I wrote on a piece of paper “I am a saint speaking in tongues.”I showed it to him. He read it and smiled and made the sign of the cross and let me go as he said “Peace be with you brother.”
Well, after two years of study and practice, I’m ready for the Raptures. This time, I’ll go up instead of down. Now that I’m a Certified Saint, I can berate the sinners I’m surrounded by. I’m working on legislation to have them all put in prison where they belong.
May peace be with you. Amen.
Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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