Acrostic: When the first letters of successive lines are arranged either in alphabetical order (= abecedarian) or in such a way as to spell a word.
Baloney sandwiches.
Elvis records turned up loud.
Cool water on hot days.
Knocking on stranger’s doors.
Obedient soup from the microwave.
Nudge me toward delight!
I’m Jeffery and this is it! An acrostic of things that beckon me—that nudge me toward delight. Some people would include gold and caviar. Not me. I’ve devoted myself to mundane inexpensive pleasures. “Cheap thrills” is what they’re called, with the emphasis on “cheap.”
I’ve never had a glass of champagne or a Porterhouse steak. Instead, I drink “Last Tango” fortified wine. The alcohol content is close to vodka and it’s only $1.89 for a pint bottle! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve woken up in a strange place clutching an empty pint bottle of “Last Tango.” It also comes with a lanyard so you can hang the bottle around your neck. It’s the best.
As far as meat goes, I limit myself to baloney. The cheapest is “Nag’s Head.” It’s imported to the US from Argentina. You can get one pound for $2.25. It tastes like garlic-flavored fat. A bonus is the crunchy bone fragments lacing the baloney from the meat’s processing. Also, the baloney is bright pink. It gives the meat a happy aura, like pink tends to do—like one of Barbie’s dresses or a Mary Kay Cadillac.
Then, there’s cheap soup: “Brezhnev Chicken Fragments Soup.” It is delicious and it only costs .75 per fifty-ounce can! Why buy Campbell’s when Breznev’s is available on the internet? You just get on your computer and order it. It shows up a month later from Belarus, with free shipping. Mmmm. Every once in a while you get something weird in your soup, like a feather or a chicken embryo. You just fish out the feather with a sieve and leave the embryo alone—its tender little chickie body adds zest to the soup. If you want, you can pick it up with a pair of tongs and swallow it whole. Now, that’s a gourmet treat! For .75 you’d be crazy to pass it up.
What about beverages? You’ve heard of “spring” water. It is costly, and it comes out of the ground. Nobody knows where it’s been before it just “springs” out of the filthy earth or scum-covered rocks. Scammers put it in plastic bottles and sell it as healthful, when in fact, you can get measles from it and die. But yet, people take the risk and drink it. Very sad. Very sad.
I drink “roof” water. It is pure sky-borne rainwater collected fresh from downspouts across America. It tastes like a “roof”—a distinct flavor—bitter with a subtle hint of tar. Plus, it’s gluten free. It is delicious. At .35 per gallon, it is my beverage of choice. A tank truck delivers it to your own bucket at your door! Convenient.
One of the key benefits of my lifestyle is chronic diarrhea. I have a toilet paper dispenser on a strap that goes over my shoulder. I’m ready for a blow-out any time. I carry a beach umbrella that I open and hide behind when I’m “streaming” in public.
I’m five-foot eleven and I weigh 145 lbs. I’m as sleek as a salmon. I tire easily, but that’s a benefit—I go directly to bed after climbing the two flights of stairs to my apartment—you know—“Early to bed, early to rise. . .” I don’t go out much anyway—it ‘s so embarrassing to have to drag myself along the sidewalk moaning for help. Even if I’m not fit, at least I’m thin, unlike my former friends—a pack of fatsos.
Today, I discovered a cheap substitute for toothpaste! This will cap off my “skinny boy” lifestyle. There’s a guy selling it on the street. He refills empty toothpaste tubes with his brand “Barbarian Breath” which he writes on a strip of masking tape and tapes to the outside of the tube. It’s only .25! I bought five tubes!
POSTSCRIPT
Jeffery died instantly as he brushed his teeth. The man selling “Barbarian Breath” was a psychotic former dentist. The toothpaste contained super glue and cyanide.
Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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